Makes me sick

you know what makes me sick? literally, almost sick to my stomach. as in, the churning and mixing and weird feeling business. it makes me sick when i think of all the people i hung out with during my lifetime (high school, college, etc.) and i realize they're all married. that makes my stomach churn in a weird, food poisoning way.

Done with the funk

I think I'm finally, hopefully, done with the funk. I'm not feeling as weird as I was before. I don't know that I've ever been so stressed. Hopefully this won't keep happening. It happened once earlier this year. Maybe this will be the last time.

I had my formal observation today. It went well. I picked an easy lesson and I feel a little guilty for doing that. It wasn't like I just made up something easy to teach them. It IS important. But they already have some background knowledge. My lesson was about making connections (text to self, text to text and text to world). Kids are great at making connections. They aren't always the BEST connections so that's what we focused on. It went well. The kids were fine. Not amazing but fine. There are a couple that I'd like to ship to another country. That'll probably happen with every group though.

I'm just glad I'm out of the funk. For good.

Painful

It's been a long time since the thought of something made my stomach knot and gave me the urge to vomit. I knew I couldn't avoid that feeling forever. So...here it is...about 22 minutes after my birthday. On another note, I wish this week wouldn't have sucked so much. It really made my birthday not great. I'm still stressed and anxious. I just wanted to enjoy a day...one freaking day. And though it was fun, all day I felt like I needed to be looking over my shoulder at the worries that were following close behind.

Anyway, so on my birthday, Boy sent me a facebook message which I could easily insert but it would be much to painful, for you as the reader and for me as the receiver. Mostly it talked about how eventhough he's been saying he's totally cool with just being friends, he wants to let his guard down and see if something more could develop between the two of us. Blah blah blah. Whatever. Obviously I'm being cruel. And I have no reason to be. I'm sure he was going for romantic. I mean, who wouldn't want to hear that they are adored on their birthday? Well, I guess the answer would be me. It was painful to read. There are many issues I have with Boy. He's a teacher. And anytime we talk, we talk about teaching and seriously, that gets old. He's incredibly tight with his money. Anytime we would ever hang out, he would constantly be talking about money and how much something cost or whatever. That irritates me. It's rude and definately not impressive. And...you see...he's just not amazing. I need someone amazing. He doesn't challenge me. And as I'm typing this, I am realizing that I am his Pitt. I am to Boy as Pitt is to me. The irony. It's blinding. And painful. So really, it's not a matter of deciding if this is what is best for me. I know the answer to that question. I won't accept his invitation to get to know him with intentions of the future. It is mostly a matter of figuring out how to let him down. Figuring out the easiest way for me to be let down. Maybe this will be more painful that I thought.

Today I feel so worn out. It just wasn't a good day. Not that anything extraordinary went wrong...just that nothing went great. 3 students didn't have their meds today. And that thew off the entire dynamic of my classroom. I felt like I was babysitting all day. Try to get them to keep their hands off, trying to get their attention, try to refocus the students. And nothing worked.
I haven't been sleeping well. I've been so freaking stressed. My legs shake all the time. My nose has been bleeding. This morning a teacher talked with me and I started crying in the closet. My nerves are shot. I'm so glad its Friday. It just seems like I can't get a handle on anything. It feels like I'm so confused, so worn out and I know I wasn't a good teacher today.

This is silly but maybe it's because it's my birthday? I don't know. It seems like this week, at least in years passed, has never been a good week. I've never felt confident. I've never felt adequate. I've never felt like living. Maybe it's the time of year or just this week of the year in particular. Whatever the cause, I need to just get over it. So tomorrow, on the day of my birth, I'll be celebrating by spending the day in my cold, classroom. I wasn't depressed until I wrote that sentence. My goal, for the time being, is to get out of this school by 6:00 and take some Nyquill. Maybe I'll just sleep away my birthday. I don't have the energy to deal with it.

Your Dad

i write on this blog things that i can't write or say or really think in my regular life. and i do it here because no one reads it. i purposefully don't give this blog address to people. i don't want them to know what i write. and sometimes when i write about people, i feel guilty. i wonder if they stumbled across this random blog and knew i was writing about them. sometimes i feel so guilty that i want to delete my blogs. this was the case with my random rant a couple days ago about boy. he called earlier this weekend and i ignored his call at the time. i just didn't have the energy. so i called him back later in the weekend...i tried about 3 times. not so much because i wanted to talk to him but mostly because i didn't want to feel guilty about not contacting him. he didn't call me back and then i felt bad. i wondered if he found the blog and read it and knew i was talking about him. then i thought about how that would feel...reading that...and then i felt bad. so bad, in fact, that i almost deleted the blog. then i realized that if i were to delete that, it would be like not recognizing the way i feel...blowing it off...denying what i really think and if he ever reads it, he'll be pissed but if i don't write it, if i can't write it here...where i have freedom and can be anonymous then where can i write it? it's weird when a person can make someone else feel guilty for feeling the way they really feel. he makes me feel guilty for feeling.

he came by today and made me feel bad about having other plans. instead of feeling bad, though, i just got pissed off. so really his presence alone annoys me because it's like he's telling me how to feel without using words. now everyone i work with thinks we're some kind of an item. i can't wait to go to school tomorrow and face all their weird, ridiculous questions. if i don't bring a boy around, they think i'm a lesbian or a loser. when a boy accidentally stops by, they have all these weird questions that make me uncomfortable. so really i'm screwed. there goes my new years resolution about not lying to people. looks like i'll be making something up. or i could tell the truth with sounds alittle something like this..."oh him? yeah, we dated once. it didn't work out, partly because he's too tall, partly because he dresses nicer than me, partly because he's so freaking stingy, but mostly because he annoys the crap out of me. why was he here? well i couldn't figure out how to tell him not to stop by in the nicest way. to be honest, i thought we could just be friends but he recently said we need to talk about an important question so i'm doing my best to avoid him and the question. no we're not dating eventhough he thinks are. no, there is no future between us and i just don't feel like wasting me time. i promised myself i wouldn't date another teacher. no, i don't get free dinners because if he pays then it's like a date. and no, seriously, no." i think when people ask me who he was, i'll smile and say, "your dad."

Conditionalism?

it's taken years but i've finally found a church i actually enjoy. it's strange because i honestly doubted if that would ever happen. i like so many things about it but one of my favorite things is the ability of the speaker to say things that make me think...and question...and challenge what i've been taught.

today the topic was "What about hell?" they have been doing this "what about" study and discussing topics that are often avoided or topics that cause many Christians to stumble. before i continue, please understand that i don't believe everything said or taught. i like to look at things and think about things and leave some things up in the air. so today the topic was hell and the (to be quite honest i don't know what to call him. preacher has such a suit and tie sound. pastor has such a fat, old guy sound. speaker has some sort of unfamiliar, strange sound. minister of God sounds too televangelist.)...I'll just call him Jim...Jim brought up the topic of a belief called "conditionalism." i've never heard the term and i haven't, as of right now, done too much research but the basic belief is that when people are sent to hell, they are sent for a certain amount of time, depending on their sins. so hitler and nice, old lady next door who never got around to accepting Jesus will both be sent to the same place but they will remain there for different amounts of time. and after they have served their time, they will cease to exist. they won't be able to come back. they won't be able to redeem themselves. they will simply no longer exist in any form.

i don't focus on hell too much and maybe i should. maybe that is why i am sitting on the couch instead of changing the world. i just think when people focus on hell, they are not focusing on Jesus and He should be the focus. so this form of belief...it's different. i don't know that i agree entirely. but i don't disagree entirely and that is a start. i've had issues believing that every sinner will go to the same place for eternity. just like in my classroom, i don't punish all students equally. if i did, THAT would be unfair. it is important to take into account life situations and other things going on. and i think God is the same way. i don't know about conditionalism but it is interesting to think about.

freaking *zing*

so this is what i get for branching out...for trying to make new friends. there is this guy and he is annoying the crap out of me. i ignore his calls, i avoid seeing him, i delete his e-mails. we hung out in college and it just didn't work out. i think he's a bit of a tool. a couple months ago we were taking a class together and we hung out a couple times, talked about new teacher stuff. and now he won't stop calling. it's not so much that. i don't mind him calling and he's not a terrible person but the thing that pisses me off is that he makes me feel guilty about having plans. he is so insecure that he makes comments like, "so why are you blowing me off this time?" and it makes me want to blow him off. it makes me want to ignore his calls. it makes me want to punch him in the face. i don't like feeling guilty about having a life. i don't like that someone has to put me down and make me feel bad to accomplish some purpose. so screw you...teacher tool. i'm not calling you back. i don't want to hang out. and NO you cannot ask me an "important question" because quite frankly i would rather spend my nights with a bowl of popcorn and remote than spend my time with you. *zing*

Puffy Coat and Parents Day Out

today is a snow day. some people are bored but i don't know how that can happen. there are so many naps to take and papers to grade and channels to watch. also, there are errands to run. so i go to the bank to activate my beautiful, new debit card. i'm very excited because it is blue and purple and way cooler than the tan one i've had for 4 years. i walk in and see a vaguely familiar face standing at the next window. i ignore it and carry on about my business. from the corner of my eye, i see the person next to me sneak a couple glances so i shoot this human a look only to discover it is the parent of one of my students. i quickly look away and in my mind, look at my wardrobe and try to figure out how to stand. how do teachers stand in regular life? i didn't acknowledge the guy. what is there to say? "hey...kids dad...how is your kid?" how awkward does that sound? so here i stand in my puffy, bright yellow marshmallow coat and jeans with holes and patches all over and, to top it all off, a stocking hat with the name of a band written in giant letters. i didn't look terrible. i didn't look like a adulterer either. i just look like a normal, 22 year old human. and i guess i'm worried that will taint my teacher image. parents and students sometimes forget that teachers are humans with lives and weird clothes.

you see, this is the first time i've seen a parent of one of my students in normal life when i have been doing my normal life things. i knew this would happen at some point. it just caught me so off guard. i'm now realizing that wherever i go, whatever i do...being a teacher is now a huge part of my identity and i don't want to do or say or wear anything that would taint that. but i also don't want it to run my life. i don't want to base every decision on how i will look if i see a parent. that would be stifling and that's just not okay. so i'll just stick with wearing t-shirts but maybe pass on the puffy coat every now and again.

happy internet day

so apparently my house has wireless and i have a wireless computer. so happy day for me. i really am excited about this but when i logged onto the internet, i couldn't think of any place to go. i always think to myself, "man, if only i had internet access at my house" and now i do...so i'm blogging? seriously. but this is important too. i should be doing something related to school or that jazz but whatev. so...happy day...i have internet :)

Birthdays

I hate birthdays. Not because today is mine. Actually it isn't. I just hate kid birthdays. That makes me a bad person and I realize that. It's just that they're all crazy on birthdays. It doesn't even have to be their birthday for them to be crazy. Then the parents bring in the candy or the cupcakes or the cards. And the cupcakes are divided into chocolate and vanilla and every kid wants chocolate. So I say, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." But they still ask for chocolate and I give them vanilla just for spite. They get all mad and I threaten to take it away. They all taste pretty much the same, I say. But we all know chocolate tastes way better. And when all the cupcakes are passed out, crumbs are flying all over the place...on the floor, in the desks. And frosting...from chin to forhead. It's colored and it stains my fingers. And kids ask me why it looks like someone already licked the cupcake. They don't believe that my finger touched it when I was taking it out. They think someone already licked it and they don't want it anymore. Some kids want to put theirs in a baggie. I don't know why. It'll just get smashed...and they won't be getting another one. Then the kid stands up and we all sing happy birthday. Then I present them with a totally lame pencil. I'm not good with birthdays.

Ships named by vegetables

For Christmas one of my students got me a daily calendar with questions from Are you Smarter than a 4th grader?. I try to give the the daily question but sometimes I don't get around to it. In order to motivate them and kinda just cause i thought it would be fun, I give them a chance card for every question they get right. So if they get each question right, they get a chance card for every day. The chance cards are kinda big deals. If you have the most chance cards, you get to sit at a special desk and blah blah blah. So...I said all that to say this. Last week I had the students write down their answers to a second grade history question. The question was, "Name the ship the Pilgrims sailed from Plymoth, England to Plymoth Colony in America in 1620." Among some of my favorite answers, "Tittantic," "A knue," "Pilgrim Ship," and finally the one that made me laugh so hard I almost cried, "Calaflour." I didn't change the spelling mostly because that makes it more fun. In case you're wondering, the correct answer is cousins with "Calaflour"...it was the Mayflower.