It's official...no...finally. I resigned. I turned in my letter of resignation today. My principal told the staff yesterday so it seemed official but it wasn't...not until that piece of paper went from my hands to his.
It was ironic how two years ago I parked in almost the same parking spot and walked in to get my contract. I remember being so excited. I still have the picture of me with my contract a few moments after I got it. I felt so important...so successful. I had worked so hard and finally had something to show for it. I feel like after 2 years, all I have are bruises.
I know every job has issues but I just feel so battered this year with all the situations that have gone on. I knew I couldn't handle it for one more year...not with bigger class sizes and a smaller staff. Also, my mom has been diagnosed with cancer. I want to be around to take care of her if she needs something. And then there's boy. I know that if I want this to be something...amazing...then I need to move myself into a closer proximity to him. It just has to be done.
This could all be a mistake. I could have just screwed up my life big time. That's a very real possibility. I have no place to live, no income, no job. I went from fairly secure to wondering how I am going to survive in about 3.2 seconds. The thing is I've taken very few chances in my life. I sometimes take calculated risks but I almost always know the outcome beforehand. This is a chance...a big one...the kind that could change my life. And I'm scared. I'm scared I just messed up. I'm scared I'll never find a job or a place to make me happy. I'm scared that I'll regret and I have too many regrets already.
The thing that makes me feel confident in my decision usually comes by 4:00 every day. For the last few weeks, 4:00 rolls around and something happens. Monday, an angry parent called after school. Tuesday, a kid brought rocks and rope and threatened to kill me. Today, a parent e-mailed me and said the problem with her daughter is the way she is being educated (blaming me for everything). Every day it's something. Whether it's a stolen $20 piece of jewelry or suspected abuse on the part of a parent...something happens to make my day not normal...to stress me out and make me worry. I can't say that I'll miss it. I can't say that I'll miss feeling like crap, feeling inadequate, daily. I realize I have a long way to go. But my confidence is shot. I have no more. I feel like I've been bled dry.
But tomorrow I will walk in with a smile on my face. I'll spend the day waiting until 4:00 and just wondering what is going to go wrong. Then I'll go home and mark one more day off my calendar. Sometimes I think I'll be sad when I'm gone. I guess they're making it easier on me...I guess.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
Cooler
This has been a hard day. The community where I've spent the last 7 years of my life, where I live and work just really hurt me...me as a teacher and me as a person. It's hard not to take this personally. It's hard not to let the bitterness seep into my heart and my life and my mind and my words. It's hard to speak with a tongue that's not pointed and with a voice that isn't drenched with sarcasm. It's hard not to look at the people around me, the people driving down the street, and point my finger at them. On my way into work today, I wanted to shout at every car that passed me. I wanted to flip off the drivers or make them pull over so I could throw some punches.
But I didn't do any of those things. I walked into my building, I put on my pretend smile and I tried to make it through the day. There were obstacles...like the angry parent that called again for the 3rd day in a row. I've decided that some people just like to be pissed. Some people just can't or won't be happy. And then there were the boys fighting at recess again. Detentions don't affect them and I can see their future criminal records in their eyes. That scares me. But the biggest obstacle I faced today was myself. I was angry and frustrated and hurt. And part of me wanted to stay that way. Part of me thought the community deserved my disgust.
But then we were taking a restroom break. The hallway was lined with my students. They were sitting so quietly, so respectfully, and I was standing there still stewing. Then one girl came over and looked up and me and wrapped her arms around me. It was a hug that meant something. It was a hug that touched my heart. She didn't pull away quick. It wasn't a side hug. It was the type of hug that helps heal a hurting person. And before I knew it, I was surrounded with students in one giant hug. The boys were squeezing to get in the hug and they were all giggling and jumping. I couldn't help but laugh and smile with them. That hug meant so much to me. I told the students that they really made my day...and it totally did. It reminded me that I teach, or I should teach, because I love it...because getting a hug makes my day. Screw the idiots who don't support the school system, screw the parents who do nothing but complain. I'm not in this for the parents. I'm not in this for the politicians. I'm in this because it drives me, because every day there is some part of me that is in some way fulfilled. I might go home exhausted and frustrated and angry but at least a small part of my heart feels so success.
So here's what I decided today. My life is about me. It's about what makes me happy. I only get to do this once so I really should make it count. Screw the idiots. I'm cooler than them anyway.
But I didn't do any of those things. I walked into my building, I put on my pretend smile and I tried to make it through the day. There were obstacles...like the angry parent that called again for the 3rd day in a row. I've decided that some people just like to be pissed. Some people just can't or won't be happy. And then there were the boys fighting at recess again. Detentions don't affect them and I can see their future criminal records in their eyes. That scares me. But the biggest obstacle I faced today was myself. I was angry and frustrated and hurt. And part of me wanted to stay that way. Part of me thought the community deserved my disgust.
But then we were taking a restroom break. The hallway was lined with my students. They were sitting so quietly, so respectfully, and I was standing there still stewing. Then one girl came over and looked up and me and wrapped her arms around me. It was a hug that meant something. It was a hug that touched my heart. She didn't pull away quick. It wasn't a side hug. It was the type of hug that helps heal a hurting person. And before I knew it, I was surrounded with students in one giant hug. The boys were squeezing to get in the hug and they were all giggling and jumping. I couldn't help but laugh and smile with them. That hug meant so much to me. I told the students that they really made my day...and it totally did. It reminded me that I teach, or I should teach, because I love it...because getting a hug makes my day. Screw the idiots who don't support the school system, screw the parents who do nothing but complain. I'm not in this for the parents. I'm not in this for the politicians. I'm in this because it drives me, because every day there is some part of me that is in some way fulfilled. I might go home exhausted and frustrated and angry but at least a small part of my heart feels so success.
So here's what I decided today. My life is about me. It's about what makes me happy. I only get to do this once so I really should make it count. Screw the idiots. I'm cooler than them anyway.
Tuesday, April 07, 2009
How Do You Know?
So today I was looking through my blog trying to find a poem I wrote a really long time ago. It is a form poem and my class is writing this form poem so I wanted to find my example and show it to them. I remember it being very clever. Well, I searched my blog high and low and couldn't find it. I did, however, run into a few blogs that I wrote that I had totally forgot about. Sometimes it's just great to look back and remember...to reminisce, if you will.
It seems to me that not much has changed in the years I've kept this blog. Not much about ME has changed at least. I noticed all the blogs about this boy or that date and how I was never really happy with the way things went. I dated out of boredom. Then I ran into the blog I wrote about the Blind Date Boy. It was last year, about this time. It made me giggle because at the end, I said something like, "I wonder if a blind date with Ray Charles would have been better." Then a few blogs later, I wrote about going out with Blind Date Boy to Married Couples house. I wrote about these things so nonchalantly because I didn't realize that those two occurences would change my life.
Blind Date Boy is now...well...just Boy. And I've spent the week asking myself some really tough questions that I can't answer. Is this thing I'm feeling actually love? How do I know it will last? What makes this different from everything else? How does a person ever totally know? Is he in this for the right reasons? Am I in this for the right reasons? This this the forever thing? If he asks me to marry him, will I feel like puking or dancing? Can a person ever be 100% sure?
My friends and my parents have met him and spent time with us. One person told me that he wasn't who she pictured me with. I guess if I were to be honest, he wasn't who I pictured myself with either. I'm not sure what I pictured, but I don't think he looks the part. He's all like backwards hat, motorcycle, long jeans and pimp shoes. I thought I would be with dorky glasses, funny jeans, thrift store t-shirts and stocking caps. But I'm okay with this difference. I just wonder if it can last forever. I don't want to do this halfway. I don't want to give up if...when...it gets hard. I know that we both have what it takes to make this last. I just wonder if making it last will make us both happy.
I think he's in this for the right reasons. He talks like he is. The things he does show that he is. But I still always wonder. Is it because of how I look or because I'm funny? Is it because I have a super pimp car? Or is it because he really connects with me, can picture a life with me, even when I'm fat and old and have short, boy hair? I guess my question is how does a person really know? Some people say, "Well, it will just feel right." I don't trust my feelings. They can be too easily manipulated. Some people say, "God will tell you." I've been checking my phone and I haven't got a text from him. I just need to know. But then I wonder if God did tell me and if I really did know, would that be enough? Probably not.
So here I am, with Blind Date Boy (also known as just plain Boy) and our future on my mind. It seems I can't answer a single question and when I try, I end up asking 4 more.
It seems to me that not much has changed in the years I've kept this blog. Not much about ME has changed at least. I noticed all the blogs about this boy or that date and how I was never really happy with the way things went. I dated out of boredom. Then I ran into the blog I wrote about the Blind Date Boy. It was last year, about this time. It made me giggle because at the end, I said something like, "I wonder if a blind date with Ray Charles would have been better." Then a few blogs later, I wrote about going out with Blind Date Boy to Married Couples house. I wrote about these things so nonchalantly because I didn't realize that those two occurences would change my life.
Blind Date Boy is now...well...just Boy. And I've spent the week asking myself some really tough questions that I can't answer. Is this thing I'm feeling actually love? How do I know it will last? What makes this different from everything else? How does a person ever totally know? Is he in this for the right reasons? Am I in this for the right reasons? This this the forever thing? If he asks me to marry him, will I feel like puking or dancing? Can a person ever be 100% sure?
My friends and my parents have met him and spent time with us. One person told me that he wasn't who she pictured me with. I guess if I were to be honest, he wasn't who I pictured myself with either. I'm not sure what I pictured, but I don't think he looks the part. He's all like backwards hat, motorcycle, long jeans and pimp shoes. I thought I would be with dorky glasses, funny jeans, thrift store t-shirts and stocking caps. But I'm okay with this difference. I just wonder if it can last forever. I don't want to do this halfway. I don't want to give up if...when...it gets hard. I know that we both have what it takes to make this last. I just wonder if making it last will make us both happy.
I think he's in this for the right reasons. He talks like he is. The things he does show that he is. But I still always wonder. Is it because of how I look or because I'm funny? Is it because I have a super pimp car? Or is it because he really connects with me, can picture a life with me, even when I'm fat and old and have short, boy hair? I guess my question is how does a person really know? Some people say, "Well, it will just feel right." I don't trust my feelings. They can be too easily manipulated. Some people say, "God will tell you." I've been checking my phone and I haven't got a text from him. I just need to know. But then I wonder if God did tell me and if I really did know, would that be enough? Probably not.
So here I am, with Blind Date Boy (also known as just plain Boy) and our future on my mind. It seems I can't answer a single question and when I try, I end up asking 4 more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
