Circle

Sometimes I look at my life and me and who and where I am and I honestly can't figure out exactly how I got here. It's like when you're so tired and you wake up in bed but you're not sure how you got there. You don't remember walking and no one is around to carry you. The portion where you changed locations seems to be blocked. Right now, the portion where I changed is blocked from my view. I'm not sure how or when or where or why it happened but it has and I am here and I am just trying to gain some composure, some sense and some perspective.

I guess I thought this would be different. Not easy, not smooth...just different and not so freaking difficult. People say that you are never handed things that are too difficult. You are never handed anything you can't bear. But I think the line is being pushed. It have realized that whatever choice I make, whatever path I decide to walk down, will suck. Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to be happy, really happy, in every area of life. Maybe I can be happy in every area but one or two. Maybe it's expecting too much to want happiness in everything. Maybe that's unrealistic. And still I can't stop my heart from wanting both things, both choices...wanting to walk both roads. Someone told me that both roads are probably good and I'm sure they are right but I want the BEST road...the one that will get me the farthest. I don't want a dead end...I want an interstate.

But then I realize that the easy things never taste so good in the end. The hard things...the taste and the memory and the love of the game...those things last. So maybe this challenge to overcome these things...obstacles, crap, whatever you want to call it...will actually make the end result sweeter. Or maybe it will make my end result slip further out of my hands. And in 2 years I'll look back and wonder where I came from, where I started. Life really is a circle.

Depressing Way to Live

I've decided that seriously, it's always something. When I got crazy pants out of my classroom, Crazy Parents came in. They've pulled all kinds of crap, calling to yell at me, threatening to call the district office and get me fired...blah blah blah. I met with them and the principal, thought things were all worked out UNTIL Friday when they called, pissed again. I still don't know what the issue was because the dad spent so much time calling me a stupid f-ing b-- and then hung up. They called the secretary and did the same thing then called the principal and it was all just a repeat. Apparently a meeting has been scheduled for Thursday morning before school (a great way to put me in a pissed off mood) and I guess they're bringing some kind of representative of or for something. I don't know.

So since this has transpired, the kid, Crazy Parents, has been a complete tool. He won't work. He writes "I hate school" on all his assignments and when I give him an instruction, he looks at me and laughs. It's annoying and I will fail him because he doesn't do jack. He spends his day bugging the people he sits with, mumbling under his breath about how much he hates this place and how I don't know how to do my job. He's an idiot who will probably end up in jail in at least 10 years (honestly) and it's sad but I really don't like this kid. You can tell just how much the parents have bad mouthed and talked bad about me because here he is saying it all to my face. And I can't punish him because he hasn't really done anything wrong.

Then this kid in my class keeps picking on other people. I'm sure he is because he's two years older than some of the others. But honestly I don't see him do it. He's so good at hiding it or doing it in the restroom where I can't see him. So parents come and complain about that when I can't do anything. I can't punish him for something if I've never seen it happen...and I have been watching.

And then there is the space case who peed his pants today. We were at restroom...2:00-2:10. We go through the line and if they need to go, they go. We have a system. He doesn't go. 2:15? He raises his hand and tells me he needs to go. I asked him why and he said he forgot to go earlier. So I don't let him go. I'm teaching a new concept, I need him in class. And he pees his pants. So of course I become the teacher who doesn't let students out of the classroom to take care of bodily functions.

The thing that pisses me off the most is that I really feel like I'm doing my best here. I am putting forth my full effort. I am trying my face off and I feel like I am doing a good job. But this other crap makes me look like an idiot...makes me look like I can't do my job...makes me feel bad about the hard work that I'm putting into this thing. And it's discouraging.

My principal came in to watch me today. It's because she's been getting complaints. And that makes me feel worse...like I can't do my job and it's so obvious that the principal doesn't even trust me. It seems like it's always something. When I got rid of Crazy Pants, Crazy Parents came along. There is always something going on, going wrong, and I can never get ahead. This is a terribly depressing way to live.