It's official

It's official...no...finally. I resigned. I turned in my letter of resignation today. My principal told the staff yesterday so it seemed official but it wasn't...not until that piece of paper went from my hands to his.

It was ironic how two years ago I parked in almost the same parking spot and walked in to get my contract. I remember being so excited. I still have the picture of me with my contract a few moments after I got it. I felt so important...so successful. I had worked so hard and finally had something to show for it. I feel like after 2 years, all I have are bruises.

I know every job has issues but I just feel so battered this year with all the situations that have gone on. I knew I couldn't handle it for one more year...not with bigger class sizes and a smaller staff. Also, my mom has been diagnosed with cancer. I want to be around to take care of her if she needs something. And then there's boy. I know that if I want this to be something...amazing...then I need to move myself into a closer proximity to him. It just has to be done.

This could all be a mistake. I could have just screwed up my life big time. That's a very real possibility. I have no place to live, no income, no job. I went from fairly secure to wondering how I am going to survive in about 3.2 seconds. The thing is I've taken very few chances in my life. I sometimes take calculated risks but I almost always know the outcome beforehand. This is a chance...a big one...the kind that could change my life. And I'm scared. I'm scared I just messed up. I'm scared I'll never find a job or a place to make me happy. I'm scared that I'll regret and I have too many regrets already.

The thing that makes me feel confident in my decision usually comes by 4:00 every day. For the last few weeks, 4:00 rolls around and something happens. Monday, an angry parent called after school. Tuesday, a kid brought rocks and rope and threatened to kill me. Today, a parent e-mailed me and said the problem with her daughter is the way she is being educated (blaming me for everything). Every day it's something. Whether it's a stolen $20 piece of jewelry or suspected abuse on the part of a parent...something happens to make my day not normal...to stress me out and make me worry. I can't say that I'll miss it. I can't say that I'll miss feeling like crap, feeling inadequate, daily. I realize I have a long way to go. But my confidence is shot. I have no more. I feel like I've been bled dry.

But tomorrow I will walk in with a smile on my face. I'll spend the day waiting until 4:00 and just wondering what is going to go wrong. Then I'll go home and mark one more day off my calendar. Sometimes I think I'll be sad when I'm gone. I guess they're making it easier on me...I guess.