I am a runner

For the first time in a long time I NEED this blog. At one point in my life, i was very dependent on this...letting my thoughts sit in space. It wasn't a bad thing to depend on this...to need this but I turned to it because I didn't have any other way to let my feelings out. I've never been good with words...at least not with spoken words. Most of my sentences end with, "...I don't know." I'm not good with communication and I realize I need some work. The thing is, today I need this blog. I need to let my words out in a written form and I don't care if they are never read. I can't keep them inside any more. Back in the day, I wrote partly because I felt alone. I didn't have another person to share my feelings with. I do now. I have people but tonight not only do I not know the words to explain this but I don't think other people need to hear my problems. I think other people have enough issues of their own.

I have a boy. This is a fairly recent development...a couple months. And during those months, this relationship has progressed...rapidly. I've never really had any second thoughts. I've had moments when I thought I should have had second thoughts but I've always breezed right past them. Tonight, though, I had second thoughts. I had a moment when I wanted to put my shoes on and walk out. I wanted to run. That's what I am...a runner. When things get to hard, I run. When things are too easy, I run. And apparently when things are just things, I run. I wanted to run. And while these thoughts were going through my head, he made the mistake of asking me what I was thinking. I made the mistake of telling him. Honestly, I was freaked. We've talked about marriage and babies and houses and life. We've talked about alot and tonight I couldn't handly any more. He met my family. I've hung out with his. And tonight for some reason, it became too much.

After I told him my thoughts, he looked like a sad puppy...and that was painful. It was more painful than it would have been to keep my thoughts and feelings inside. I shouid have never said anything. I have never seen him look so hurt...and to think that i caused that made me feel 2 inches tall. But truth be told, I AM freaked. This is marriage...this is life...this is big. And my track record has been to run. Three months and no longer. That's how I roll. We've hit the 3 month mark...about this month...and now it's suddenly very real. I'm looking for a job near him. I'm thinking about moving my life. This is big. And I am freaked.

I sabatoge stuff. It's like a defense mechanism or something. And this time I think I jacked up something amazing...or something that could have been amazing. I don't think he'll dump me tomorrow. I think we patched things up but I think his level of trust and security has been bumped down to about a 6...on a 10 point scale. And for the first time in a long time, I am alone with no one to talk this out with. And that makes these feelings, these emotions so much more pointed.

Also, tomorrow is my birthday and for some reason, I'm always incredibly emotional on my birthday. I think I could sense it coming. I just feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest. I feel like I can't talk to him normal now...I can't let myself be me with him. And that, I think, is the worst feeling of all these. I think I just jacked up something great.