8 hours

8 hours of conferences...which actually turned into something like 8.5 but honestly after 7, who is really counting. Truth be told, they weren't terrible and what I mean when I say that is no one tried to attack me. I wouldn't say they went well either. I think I had 3 really good conferences. The rest were full of bad news and tears...literally. I think parents don't realize exactly how big of a deal 3rd grade is and 1st quarter conferences is the time when they are hit with the news full on. Even though I send home graded work full of Fs and Ds, they don't make the connection until they see the grade card. I don't know how many parents looked at me and said, "My child has only ever gotten A's and B's." All I can do is shrug and say, "Welcome to third grade."

After conferences I always feel so terrible...like I'm not doing enough to help the students...like it's my fault they're not doing well. It is partly my fault. I can't blame it all on other factors. The other 3rd grade teacher, though, is having the same sort of issue so at least we're both terrible I guess. I just always feel likeI should be doing more...like there's something I'm missing...like I'm not giving them my best. But I think if I give them any more of myself, I'll have nothing left.

So 1st quarter conferences are over and I can breathe a deep sigh. Now the task is going to be to fix all these problems.

It's Who I Am

This weekend I have two options. I could stay around here...go on 2 dates with two different but fairly decent guys, carve a pumpkin for the first time with a super fun friend, get a pedicure, take a nap and actually get work done OR I could drive 9 hours across the state on Nebraska to see a bunch of cars shoved in the ground then turn around and drive all the way back in a day and a half. If you know anything about me, you'll know that I'm choosing option number two. And if I know anything about people in general, I know that they'll think I'm crazy.

For years I've wanted to go see this thing called Carhenge, which is like stonehenge except with cars and without the cavemen. I'm a fan of randomness. I've seen a giant pink elephant drinking a martini, the worlds biggest goose, a museum of bad art. These are the things I live for. These are the things I love. I'm not sure what it is about seeing these random sites that mean nothing to anyone else. I just love it. So I'll get out of school at noon (because I've clocked like 10 extra hours with parent teacher conferences), hop in my car, pick up my brother and drive until we want to stop. Then we'll see some car stuff and drive back.

I think it's true. This is who I am. I feel like the world is so big and I've seen such a small part. I want to see more. And driving somewhere...well it makes me feel productive. Besides could I want a nicer time of year to drive? All the trees changing colors. Something about this season makes me want to drive for hours on end...and I guess now is my chance.

Also, this is probably one of the last times I'll get to just chill with my brother. He's going to be graduating in December and who knows where he'll go. He's not the kind to stay close to home. He's going to go somewhere great and do something he loves, eventhough he's not sure what that is right now. After December, I won't have him around to hang out with when I want. I remember when he went to college. I was so sad because I could see our childhood slipping away. We've never been super close but that's mostly because my family just isn't the super close type. Of everyone, though, he's my favorite. I'm excited to have a fun experience with him. Even if the experience includes 18 hours of driving in 1.5 days with no place to stay. This trip could suck. But even if it does, I'll be able to say, "Hey remember that time I went on that sucky trip? Yeah, that was awesome." It's true...this is just who I am.

Seconding the First

I remember one time writing a blog about firsts. I've been thinking about that alot lately and I'm not sure why. But I've been thinking about my first class of students and how I really liked them. We had our issues and every day wasn't great. There were alot of terrible ones stuck in there but I really liked them...even when I didn't like them. I don't know if it was just because it was my first class and I was so unjaded, so unburdened by all the crap that is now weighing on me. Last year I shrugged alot of it off and used the excuse, "Well I'm a first year teacher." Maybe I was more relaxed last year and that made it so much more fun. Or maybe my class was just amazing. Maybe God did that to totally bless me. I don't know what it was but it's made this year harder. Some days it's so hard to go into work. I can feel a rock sitting on my chest and I'm wondering how many times I'll have to yell, how many detentions I'll hand out, how many fights I'll break up. Maybe I liked my first class simply because they were my first.

But now I look at them with their big shoes and their basketball clothes and I think about how different they are. And as much as I really liked that class, I couldn't keep them around forever. I had to let them go. But they will forever live on in my memory as the class that made me smile.

I wonder if you can ever just have one first. Or will I always have to move on to a second? Sometimes these weird memories creep up and I'm beginning to wonder if they're actual memories or things that I wish would have happened. Maybe I've made these small memories into big productions in my head and I'm actually just fooling myself. I would consider him to be the first person that I ever really cared about. And I haven't been able to get him out of my head lately. But when he's in my head, I feel like tears are getting ready to burst through my seams. My heart can feel him moving on...for real this time. That might sound weird but I can feel it happening from halfway across the country. I'm not sure what he's doing or who he's with but I can feel it becoming something serious because it seems like a part of me is dying away. And maybe after it finishes dying, I'll always have an empty spot or maybe it'll just leave room for new growth. Either way, it won't be the same. So this makes me wonder about firsts. Was he important because he was the first person I cared about or was he important just because he was him? Or really, does it matter?

The easiest way for me to get through the day is not to think about how great my class from last year was. Yes, I use that class as a measurement but I spend my days thinking about how to get this class to become amazing. Maybe that's the only way to truly get over him. To use it as a measure but to move on in such a way that my focus changes. That makes me wonder if the only way I can really get over him is by getting my heart broken. And if so, is that something I'm actually willing to do?

Ruining My Crush

So...I'm a church goer. It's true. I'm not so much a church involver but I am a goer. And I'm trying to become an involver because I just feel like that's something I need to do...part of growing up or whatever. So tonight was a church harvest party or whatever. Mostly it was a hotdog, hayride, apple cider extravaganza and I went for all the above...not so much for the social aspect. I got my friend to go with me so I wouldn't be standing alone by the hot dog buns shoving them into my mouth to avoid having to talk to people. I figured if I brought someone, we could stand in silence and I wouldn't have to gain 10 pounds from eating an entire package of hot dogs.

I like fall festival type things. I like the smell of fire and the cold chill in the air. I like that everything feels crisp and I love the way my scarf feels wrapped around my neck. Truth be told, I was mildly excited about going to this harvest extravaganza. And then he ruined it. He ruined the apple cider, hot dog eating, cold air breathing funness and it made me sad because he also ruined my crush. The bass player.

He was my crush...my escape from the world of teaching, my attempt at impressing someone, my way of getting positive attention from someone older than 9. Turns out, he's turning gray, he's super full of himself and he's actually kind of annoying. He didn't pay much attention to my friend and I think that made her feel bad. It also made his intentions pretty freaking obvious. And standing next to him, I felt like his daughter or cousin or some sort of relative...not like myself. I hate that he ruined it for me.

The thing is, I do this every time. I get someone to like me and then when they do, I get bored and frustrated. I think it's almost like hunting but I get mad when I actually shoot the deer. Maybe it's less about me being mad and more about me being scared. Scared that my friends won't like this person. Scared that I'll have to make a decision. Scared that I'm growing up. Scared that I won't have every moment of every day free to do what I want. Scared that while I'm hanging with this kid, something better will come along. I think that's part of it. I've grown so cynical toward dating. I think every person is only in it for the sex...which is not an option. I think they'll get bored with me so why start anything. I think all these things and it stops me from trying. But even when I do try, it doesn't fit right. Not the way it should. Not the way it has before. It's almost liking picking jeans up from a rack at a store. I look at them and they look great but I wonder if they will look great on ME. I wonder if they're in my price range. I wonder if I'll wear them once and not like the way they fit. So I put them back on the rack and walk away...all the while wondering if I should have tried them on but knowing that if I had, the outcome probably wouldn't have been that great.

I'm tired of dating idiots. I'm tired of wasting my time on people that mean nothing to me...people that don't change my heart or my thinking or make any impact on my life. Not that I've decided I want to get my heart broken. I'm just tired of dating aimlessly. And unfortunately that seems to be the only kind of dating I'm doing these days.

I have this practice about guys...

I have this theory about guys. Well it's not so much a theory as it is a practice but saying "I have this practice about guys" just doesn't sound as good. The thing is I think I'm pretty generous in my regular life. I give second chances and I easily forgive and forget mistakes. But that's not how I roll in relationships. I decided a long time ago to do my best to avoid getting screwed over...and that means I'm not generous with second chances.

Bass Player asked me out for coffee a few days ago. Today he sent me a message that said he had to cancel and he'd "check his schedule" for next week. I get that things come up. I know. It happens. But I'm not the kind of person you just stick in your schedule when you have a few spare minutes. Not that I'm hot stuff or so wicked cool that I'm way above everyone else but I'm definately too cool to blow off or shove in a busy schedule. So I've decided that when he does clear some time, and I know he will, I'll be busy. Partly because I like to stick it to the man and also partly because in some areas of my life, second chances are rare.

Mr. Marriage

It's Sunday and like every Sunday I really need to go to sleep...but I just can't. I'm partly dreading this week...hoping that it will be better than last. But I'm also partly excited. I get a strange thrill out of a challenge like this. Most of the time I wish I wouldn't be faced with something that puts me to my wits end and in this case, I feel like I've exhausted my alternatives but still, I enjoy a challenge from time to time. I enjoy short-lived challenges because I don't have a ton of mental stamina but I like to be pushed to my limits to see what I can do. And now because I said that, I'm almost certain this week will be worse than last. But I also know I have more tools to handle it this week because I made it through last week.

I've realized that I don't really want to date...not really. I just want an escape from my teaching life. I want to exist outside of it. I want to do amazing things that make me feel young. But I don't really want to date. Or at least not any of these goons. I met this guy at church a few weeks ago. The thing about not being all into bars is that it's super hard to meet guys. The only other alternative guy-meeting situations are church, the Wal-Mart check out line and nephews/friends/cousins/sons/grandsons of co-workers. The local Wal-Mart is super trashy and I'm not all into mixing work life and social life so church is the route I usually take. Now there are so major flaws to this. For example, if I date someone and we decide it's not going to work, someone has to switch services. Also, most of the single guys at church are really old...like no teeth old. And after they get my phone number, I have to try really hard to avoid them which means taking the side doors as quickly after the service as possible. And then there's Mr. Marriage. Mr. Marriage is that rare gentleman who wants to get married to ANYONE as quickly as possible. Now, Mr. Marriage doesn't usually advertise his desperation but any cognizant female can see it a mile away.

I met Mr. Marriage at church a few weeks ago and he was just oozing with desperation. He didn't have to say a whole lot but I could tell from his face, his voice, the way he fumbled around when he asked for my number, the way he calls me and doesn't get the hint when I tell him I'm in the middle of something. I don't have time for Mr. Marriage right now...and probably not for the next 3-5 years. Also, he annoys me. He's all like depressed about not being in a relationship and stuff...not excited about anything and although he's attentive to the things I say, he's not in the slightest edgy or interesting which I think is the kind I go for. So now that I've given out my phone number and now that I know I'm not interested at all, I'm not sure what to do. I could continue to blow him off, ignore the calls. etc. I could just tell him to back off. Or I could hook him up with one of my desperate friends. Either way, it looks like I'm going to have to switch services again. I think my church might need to have more services.

Hot Bass Player...

I think it's just not going to work out with the hot bass player. I had to call him a few weeks ago because, in addition to being an educatior, I clean this super huge building on the weekends. Apparently they recently put in an alarm system and no one told me about that so I opened the building, heard the system beeping and after 30 seconds of me trying to figure out the code, the alarm started going off. I called Hot Bass Player because he knows a guy who knew the code. It all worked out AND Hot Bass Player got my phone number. So we've been texting a few times a week...nothing amazing and nothing really that spectacular. Tonight he sent me a message asking about my week. I told him it has been horrible because really, it has been. Moral of the story? He's a little too focused on himself I think and that's just annoying.

Speaking of this week, I'm glad it's almost over. I feel better tonight but that's mostly because we had a half day (with meetings in the afternoon) and Crazy Pants left 1 hour early. It's amazing how much better I feel when he's not there. I know I have some other difficult students in my classroom but they all seem to pale in comparison to this kid. Today, during lunch, I had to stand with him because he was being ridiculous and after I finally got him to calm down and follow directions, I walked upstairs and said to myself, "I hate this and I want out" and I really did. I can't keep having days like this. I can't keep being a part of this roller coaster called his attitude and mood and behavior. And even when I try my hardest not to be a part of that, I end up somehow doing something. He'll sing until he gets so loud that nothing is being accomplished. I don't yell...at least not out loud. But talking calmly doesn't work either. I hate my job because of him. I do my best to cover it up but my kids have to notice. I'm sure I've rolled my eyes or clenched my fists or rubbed my head one to many times for them to not have any clue how I feel. If something doesn't change...well...that's just not an option. Something HAS to change. I have a meeting with his parents tomorrow and I'm hoping they will agree to some or at least one of my ideas for improvement. I can't keep living like this and actually like living. And now that Hot Bass Player doesn't really seem that cool, i'm even more sad.

Today I Cried

I cried today. I could count on one hand the number of times I've cried in the last 6 months. Honestly, I don't think it would take an entire hand. I don't cry. That's not how I deal with my emotions or with situations. I shove those emotions down deeper...into the pit of somewhere. And they stay there until they come out in an overwhelming fit of emotion. Today was not a fit of emotion. Today every teardrop was full of frustration and anger and dispare.

I tried so hard to start the day off with a positive attitude but when a day begins with students being pulled by a cop and people searching my room for any clues left from the stolen property, it's hard to keep composure. First five minutes of school went like this. The Kid refusing to put his coat in the closet, Principal walking in and calling 2 of my students out for an issue with a gun and a knife, cop coming into the classroom to examine stuff (not sure what), only 10 students returning their homework, and about 20 questions about 20 different things. THAT was the beginning. By the end of the day, I was so tired of dealing with The Kid I had to send him out of the room. He was constantly running, jumping on the walls (literally), shoving things, breaking pencils, talking super loud when everyone was working, kicking...I think you can picture this all in your head. He earned two detentions today in addition to the two he earned yesterday and in addition to the one he served today. I don't know what to do. I've tried everything I know to try and nothing even makes a dent. So finally, after dealing with this all day, I went into the office as soon as the bell rang and cried. Short Pants was using my classroom for a tutoring session, otherwise I would have cried in the closet or something but I had no where else to go. I schedule a meeting with the parents and the principal because this is...ridiculous. Counselor walks in and tells me he has been diagnosed as bi-polar. Seriously? Pretty sure he's not on his meds and I'm pretty sure that's why his behavior has been unbearable.

So this is my issue for today. With all the programs in the world and all the extra financial help for families that can't afford medication, these parents still can't make it to an appointment with a doctor to get the meds re-evaluated. And because the parents can't make it, the kids get screwed. If this doesn't change, by the end of the school year I can almost guarantee this student will hate school, be failing every subject, will be on a special reading plan and will be on the road to retention. THAT is where he is headed. You can give someone all the necessary and all the newest and fanciest resources but if they don't want help or are to lazy to get it, the resources don't matter. That makes me both sad and mad.

29 years

At 9:00 this morning I was already hoping the day would be over soon...and that's just not a good way to start a work week. I won't go over the details, mostly because I've been over them in my head so many times it seems like something from a book. It was just one of those days when you stop and say, "Is this seriously my life?"

Today I hated my job. The students didn't work well for me. By the end of the day, the Music teacher was handing out detentions to my class like candy. I feel like nothing was accomplished and by the end of the day, I wanted to hold up my middle finger and wave goodbye. I didn't. Instead I stayed for a meeting and flipped the place off in my head. I don't like hating my job because that makes me hate my life and if I start hating my life now, when I'm 23, what do I have to look forward to? So I know today was just one day but it was the kind of day that weighs heavy on me...like a ton of bricks on my face or something. And I'm hoping to sleep off this mood...this funk...this hatred of all things teaching. Because if I can't shake this, the next 29 years will be miserable.

Don't Reproduce

It's weird how school is in session for about 7 hours and at the end of the day, it feels like I haven't got anything accomplished. Don't misread that sentence and think it says, "It feels like I haven't DONE anything," because at the end of every day I feel like I've been punched in the face, wandered through the desert for 4 days, rolled around in a pit of woodchips, been climbed all over like a freaking tree in the jungle and been paper cut between every single finger. It just feels like I never get anything done. I'm always hurrying from spelling to math and when I don't get math done, I have to do it during Science which means Science doesn't get done...or spelling...or social studies. And at the end of the day I wonder how much time I really spent teaching something. What did I do the rest of the time? I know I'm always busy. I know I had the students work on things...but why does it feel like I'm wearing a shirt that is full of loose ends?

Day in a Sentece:
Dear Family of Student...
I realize your kid has some major attention issues and I realize this is not new news for you but seriously, you cannot keep using this as an excuse for his terrible behavior. ADD is one thing...Direct Disobedience because he's a jerk is another. So to sum up the day in a sentence..."If you're dumb, don't reproduce." Simple.

Short Pants and the Classroom Frustration

I've been putting off blogging...for months now. Not because I don't like it. Mostly because it like running. It takes time for me to get in the running mood and when I do, I'm a machine. Likewise, it takes time for me to get in the writing mood and when I do...well I guess that's where the similarities end.

Let me tell you about this lady who drives me crazy. I will call her Short Pants because she wears those old lady short pants. The pants can't exactly be considered capris because they're too long. They're not pants because they're too short. They hit her ankle at about the same place the top of her socks end...and her socks are pulled up. Mostly, I don't have to worry about people thinking she's the teacher. Anyway, Short Pants has been in my classroom since the first few weeks of school and her job, in my classroom, is to help me...to make my life easier. So far, she's failed. I ask her to copy something front/back and she copies it only front then back and staples them. I ask her to take one page and make it front/back. She copies only one side. I ask her to create a stapled packet and she makes the papers front/back. It seems like she deliberately does things to piss me off. And I could understand why. You see, I just don't like her. I didn't like her in the interview. She was all harsh and weird. I didn't like her the first day of school because she tried to take over my class. I didn't like her today because she 1) talked to individual students during our very quiet reading time which created a ripple effect of chatter throughout the room and 2) shushed (or shhh-ed) my students when I gave them permission to chat. It's so hard for me to like this lady and I don't know what it is exactly. I've never really had a problem not liking someone. I forget mistakes fairly quickly and I tend to forgive easily in most cases. This lady, however, is like the word 'though.' She breaks the normal phonetic spelling patterns of my life. Last week I tried so hard to like her. It worked sometimes. And by worked I mean I didn't yell and her. It's just such a chore to think about my words and actions and blah blah blah and to actually force myself to make conversation with her. Seriously?

At a recent professional development doohicky someone said, "I can't afford to do this! I don't have time!" The lady presenting said, "You don't have time NOT to." Maybe that's how this is. Maybe I can't afford not to work a little harder at this.