So I need to break it off with the music guy and I'd like to do it tomorrow. Truth be told, I'd rather not do it at all. I've struggled for the last 2 weeks trying to pinpoint what it is about him...or me...that keeps this from working. I've come up with a couple things...all very dumb. The guy has the most disgusting feet I've ever seen. Super long and hairy and his toenails are way too long. I hate looking at them...even thinking about them. Also, his teeth are all kinds of weird...sticking out and it looks like he just finished off a bag of cheese curls. Those things are shallow and I realize that. I just don't feel chemistry with him. If we were to continue, I'd get really annoyed with him in a couple months and break it off then so maybe it's better to do it sooner rather than later. I just don't know what I'm going to tell him and I need to give him some sort of a reason. He's a great guy. He's done everything right. He's given me flowers and he remembers the things I tell him. And eventhough he does all of those things, I still don't feel it. I don't feel the chemistry. I don't feel the need to see him or talk to him. So wish me luck...

In other news, I finished another book. Flabbergasted by Ray Blackston. It was about a guy who moves to South Carolina and doesn't know how to meet people so he starts going to church. He sees a totally hot girl and volunteers for all this stuff so he can be around the girl. The main character joins a singles group, which is basically like a meat market. Turns out the hot girl is a missionary and eventhough the guy is totally into her, she plays it off. It makes me laugh. I didn't realize the book would be THIS kind of book...meaning the kind about guys and girls and all that crap. I picked the book up because there were pretty colors on the front. Turns out, it wasn't so bad. Unfortunately, it did not tell me how to break up with a guy. Is there a book that does that? Breaking Up With Guys 101? Maybe THAT should be the title of my book. Goodness knows I've had enough practice.

Book Journal 1

so i've been reading lately. one time i decided i wanted to start a book journal. i'm not good at remembering book details so i decided that it would be a good idea to start writing that stuff down. the thing is, i never actually did it. so this is going to be my book journal.

i recently read Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. it's a classic and i considered it worthy of my time. it wasn't quite what i expected. honestly, though, i don't know what i was expecting. the front of the book said it was "hilarious." it wasn't that. it was about war and books about war aren't funny. the book is full of flashbacks to the war. this guy thinks there are aliens from this place called Tralfamadore and he was captured by them. everyone thinks he's old and crazy. really, though, i liked the book. i thought it was well-written and as far as anti-war books go, i think Slaughterhouse-five is a good one. the one part of the book i never got, though, was a phrase that was repeated throughout..."Poo-tee-weet."

also, i'm in a book club and we read a book called The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. i understand why it is a bestseller. it's a memoir about a girl (the author) who lives in poverty for most of her life. her dad is this brilliant guy who drinks alot and ends up losing jobs, etc. her mom is an artist who could do so much more but never does. she has 2 sisters and a brother and they are some sort of a team...working against their parents...almost trying to take care of them. the most stunning part of the book is when the author is an adult and sees her mom digging through trash as a homeless woman. she ducks down in the car so her mom doesn't see her...because she's so ashamed. at first i was mad. i couldn't figure out why the daughter wouldn't get out and help or give her mom money or do something. then i realized that isn't the way it works. for that set of parents, being homeless was a choice. it was devastating to see that they could have been so much more...better parents...better role-models. eventhough they weren't, the kids still turned out fine. in need of some major therapy but still fine. it was definately one of the best books i've read for a really long time. i would highly recommend it.

thanks for listening to my book journal.

right for right now?

there is something about going to church that leaves me so refreshed and so focused...and so depressed. i leave realizing that i have so far to go and so much more to do with my life and with my relationship with God. lately i've been wanting to find an avenue in my church where i can help. i feel like i've spent enough time just sitting and leaving after the service and not contributing anything. don't get me wrong...i needed that time. in college i spent so much time doing that i didn't feel like i had much time to soak things up but now i think it's time for me to do something. the thing is i can and i want to but i just...something is stopping me. the church needs help with the children's ministry and i can do it. i should do it. few people want to and i get along pretty good with most kids. but i just haven't. i guess mostly i'm scared. i think doing children's ministry is a huge deal. man, those kids look at you and admire you and i feel so terribly insufficient. i wonder if i'd be able to come up with lessons for them...meaningful lessons. i wonder if they would listen. i wonder if i could do a good job. and the truth is, i don't know if i could do a good job. does a person ever actually know? i feel like there are so many other things i need to fix in my life before i can stand before people and act like i know what i'm doing. maybe that's how every spiritual leader feels. or maybe that's me making excuses for my laziness. have you ever known what's right but wondered if it was right for right now?

Summer Goals

i know it's important to have goals so i decided that since i'm not doing much else this summer, i should make some goals and work on those things. unfortunately these goals weren't that hard to come up with...which means i have a whole lot of improving to do as a human. my first goal is to be more friendly...to try harder. sometimes i just don't try. sometimes i'm too quiet because i don't want to be disruptive or rude or whatever. i think i should stop thinking about that so much and just say stuff. be more friendly. i'd also like to be more real. sometimes i'm not sure which me is the real me. i have the sarcastic me and then i have the nice me. i don't remember which is the most like who i am. i'd like to be more real with people...more of the real me and i think the real me is a combination of both. also, lately i've taken to having this weird accent thing in my voice. not an accent so much as a different way my voice works. i think i'd like to stop that. that's pretty much just one goal. another goal is to be better friends with people. i have these people that are in my friends circle and i like them but i don't really know them. i don't call them on the phone. i have short 5 minute conversations with them when i see them randomly. i'd like to change that. i'd like to be better friends with them.

a while ago i decided to join a group at church so i could practice making friends. at the time i was hoping to move away and i knew if i moved away i would be needing to make friends so i wanted to practice. after i realized i would be staying around, i decided to stop practicing. maybe i should start again. maybe if i practice enough, i'll get better and it'll become part of me. or maybe i'll practice and it'll be so foreign that i won't feel like myself. either way, i should at least try.

To Be Honest

I need to be honest about a couple things. I've been hanging out with this guy. We've went out a couple times and I enjoy his company. We've already had the hard conversations and I've seen and heard enough to know that there could be a foundation for this relationship. But it's going to fast. Or maybe I'm just going to slow. I'm not sure which. Or maybe any pace at all scares me because I've been sitting still for so long. Also? He's not cute. Not even a little. He has the worst teeth of anyone I've ever met. And that matters but it doesn't matter enough to really affect me. For some reason, however, I thought it was an important note. I needed to be honest about that.

Also, I need to be honest about this. There are three reasons why I am choosing not to date anyone until the end of July. 1) It slows things down which, for whatever reason, is something I need. 2) I'm traveling across the country and I don't want or need anyone to babysit. I don't want to call every 10 minutes. I don't want to fight over the phone. I want to enjoy the trip. He asked my reason and I blamed it on Cousin. I told him it was her idea. And the final, and worst reason is 3) If when I am on the trip, I find someone amazing to hang out with, or more reasonably, I decide to approach the topic of the past with Pitt, I will be able to say what needs to be said without feeling reservations...or at least without feeling the reservations that I would feel otherwise.

He asked me tonight about my pace in relationships and I sat for a moment thinking, "I think it's been so long that I don't even remember my pace." In most recent months, I've dated but it's never gone far or lasted long or meant much. Don't misunderstand, I'm not meaning to jump the gun on this one. I think mostly, I am not able to enjoy the summer and that means I have more time to think. I'm not sure how I like this.