becoming a softy

today is the last full day of my first year of teaching. mostly, i can't believe it. the year has gone by so quickly...and yet so slowly at the same time. i can't even explain it. it's weird that tomorrow will be the last time these 28 students will sit in my classroom looking at me for answers. it'll be the last time these guys laugh at my terrible jokes. it'll be the last time they give me "five" before they walk into my classroom.

thinking back, so much has changed this year. my kids have grown up. i have grown up. i traded my jeans and t-shirts in for polos and khakis and shoes that hurt my feet. and i think that's okay. i used to be mad that i had changed or that i could see myself changing. now i realize that it wasn't so much that i was doing it to fit in...i was doing it because that's just what happens when a person grows. you change. you have to. if you don't, then you get left behind. and i'm glad i've changed. it was time. i'm glad my kids have changed because now they will be better equipped to take on all the stress that is 4th grade.

i was watching a movie the other day where this girl would stop in certain moments and take air pictures...to savor the moment...to lock it in her mind. i've taken a few air pictures in my life. at graduation, when i moved out of my house, on the first day of school, when i've watched friends drive away to bigger and better things, on random winding roads in the middle of nowhere. today i think i'll take an air picture and lock this one in my heart because as much as i complain about my kids and what they do and how they act, i really do care about them. *sigh* being a teacher really has turned me into a softy.

breathing fire

i am mad...livid actually. my students are writing non-fiction picture books and needed to find a picture from the internet for the cover of the books they are writing. i told them not to use google because we all know idiots sneak some terrible crap on there. later, i told a kid, who was searching for a rare animal that he could search google but he needed to be very clear on what he wanted. no sooner had i told him that than an inappropriate site popped up. at that time, i think my eyes turned red and i was about 2 seconds from breathing fire...literally. i can't remember the last time i was THAT mad.

i should have known better. i DID know better. and i relented. i'm an idiot. mostly i'm pissed that the world is full of morons. why put a picture of a naked lady on the internet when a kid is looking for something totally different? why do that? i'm mostly pissed at the state of our world...that there is so much crap present everywhere. how can a kid NOT be affected by those things when it seems to permeate everything!! i'm so mad...at myself...at the kid...at the morons who thought that picture was a good idea. why...WHY...is the world filled with jerks!!!

Sunshine

Every week, we have these "job-embedded" meetings. I might have mentioned these meetings before. Usually they are a giant waste of time. I leave feeling stressed and overwhelmed and like I'm a terrible teacher. The meetings aren't meant to make me feel like that...or at least I don't think they are...but I guess that's just how it works out.

Today we had a job-embedded meeting and I had my guns ready. I knew we would be discussing the climate of our building and all weekend I had been preparing myself...hoping the words came out right. As usual, the words didn't come out right and I'm sure I looked like an idiot...a snobby idiot. We were rating our school climate on a scale of 0-10 (10 being the best environment ever). I think the building is a 3. It's just so negative in here. I tried explaining to the other teachers and the principal that sometimes I don't want to go to the teacher's lounge and talk because it is so depressing. That doesn't mean we should all be fake and happy. I don't want that. But so much of the time, we dwell on the negative and negativity breeds negativity. It's one of those things that is usually so infectious that it can be incredibly detrimental.

I had this really dumb job one time. All I did was clean...all day. It was boring and we didn't get paid crap. At first I totally hated it and then I got to know some of my coworkers. By the end of the summer I loved the job. We didn't dwell on the crappy pay or the crappy situation. We just had fun with what we had. If a person has a positive attitude, it won't change the world. It won't change the situation...but it WILL change the way you look at it.

Don't misunderstand. Some people just aren't positive people. They don't work like that. And THAT is okay. I understand that all people are different. I just think if we saw the sunshine and realized that it's amazing, maybe we would conduct our lives a little differently...maybe

7 more days...

...until my first year as a teacher is finished. i can't believe it. mostly i can't believe that this hasn't broken me...yet at least. there are still 7 days left to accomplish that task. there are about 1300 other things i should be working on but in this moment, i'd like to just sit and think. in 7 more days, these will not be MY students anymore. i'll be getting a new group and i'll be starting all over again. it's weird because i still have so much to teach them. they don't know all the states of the United States. they still have trouble spelling words like though and thought. they fight in the restroom and at recess and a myriad of other places. it's weird that i'm going to be giving them up. next year i'll see them in the hallway and they'll smile but they won't run up to me with a hug.

maybe i'm just getting old but time really does seem to fly by faster these days.

Firsts

I wasn't going to write a blog today. I'm not so much in the mood. I think I have to be in the mood to write. Or maybe I write and that puts me in the mood. Either way, I don't forsee either happening within the next hour. The reason I decided to work through the mood is that today was a really great teaching day. Nothing amazing happened. The kids weren't super angels or anything. It was just a fun day to teach. I stopped and took a couple moments just to look at my students. I know I've said this a million times but sometimes I forget they are little 9 year old babies. I mean really. I expect so much of them and demand so much that I sometimes think they are little work machines. Today, for about 20 minutes I didn't see them as little work machines or as little snapping turtles biting my ankles. I saw them as 3rd graders...and that was refreshing.

Sometimes there are moments during my day when I stop, literally, and just try to soak in what it is that I'm doing. I find it hard to believe that I am here. I am a teacher. They are looking up to me. My opinion is actually valuable to them and some of them really want to please me. That is such a responsibility and I don't feel ready to take that on...eventhough I've been in those shoes all year. I hate that I can't listen to all their stories or ask them questions about their lives. I hate that I can't remember who has 14 cats and who is allergic to cats. I hate that I can't remember the names of all their siblings and I hate that I haven't met all their parents.

I guess more than anything I realized today that these are my first. Firsts are always so important. First boyfriend...first apartment...first car. First class of students. There is something about the first of something that is lasting and the memory of this class will be lasting. To be honest, I don't think there is enough space in my memory to remember all the crap they tell me so some of it will be forgotten but this class will always hold a little place in my heart. They have taught me so much. They taught me that I don't have to be loud and yell like all the other teachers. They taught me that it's okay to have fun with students and joke around. They may not get the jokes but they'll laugh anyway. They have taught me to not get all caught up in the small stuff...to choose my battles. It's not a good idea to get all worked up about unsharpened pencils when the student has 4 overdue homework assignments and a $20 lunch tab. They've also taught me things I wish I never had to learn...like I can't trust everyone eventhough I want to. I won't be able to see everything so I have to make my best judgement call and sometimes that means making the wrong call. I have to document everything...just in case. Girls of any age are cruel and sometimes there is just nothing that can be done. It's hard to see a parent making terrible mistakes but never try to correct those. It won't work. And finally they taught me that time flies so quickly. It's important to remember firsts...unfortunately I learned that lesson 10 days before the end of school.

Feigning Interest

So it's the end of the weekend. In a previous post, I mentioned a guy and I'm going to call him Navy from now on. He was in the Navy...thus the name. I haven't talked to Navy for a couple days and I'm going to be totally honest with you. I'm not that heartbroken about it. Let me tell you just a little about this character. I met him in college. He lived with one of my friends on my floor so we saw each other from time to time. Then last year he moved into the house I'm living in now. I saw him maybe 5 times. A couple weeks ago he moved out. He came over and asked for my number so I gave it to him and blew the whole thing off. I've always got the impression that he was a flake. Strangely enough he called and I hung out with him once. After that we went out once and since then it's been a series of ridiculous calls and excuses. I don't know that they're excuses but I have a hunch. A couple days ago he called and was all like, "You're amazing" and blah blah blah. We made plans to go to the park today and eat. He never called and I didn't call him. I'm not really shocked. It kinda proves the whole, "he's a flake" theory that I had back in the day.

I would be lying to you if I said I didn't enjoy the attention because I do. But after a real conversation with a friend, I realized what I already knew but have been trying to supress...in real life, I wouldn't date him. I'm only feigning interest because I'm bored. I enjoy a free meal every now and again. And how, you may ask, do I know I'm not actually interested? Well...because he wouldn't know what "feigning interest" means.

sometimes...

sometimes, like earlier today, i have a super bad day. they i come home and look at facebook. sometimes i read what i put on my profile and when i do read it, i'm glad i did because i laugh out loud at how funny i can be. sometimes...

THOSE teachers

I just had a teacher moment and to be quite honest, I am disappointed in myself. All my life, I've been passive...too passive I think. I go along with most stuff and I'm not the person to grab the reigns or force decisions. Apparently the last year of my life has changed something inside me because suddenly I am that person. Let me tell you the story.

In school we have these cadres. I am on the Communication Arts cadre and we drive the reading and writing for the school. Pretty much we ask the teacher to collect data and do a ton of work and then we collect the data and never look at it. The purpose of the cadre is to make sure all grade levels are on the same page...doing what they need to be doing and making the work grade appropriate (not too hard but not too easy). We meet once a month and I HATE cadre meetings. We never get anything done. An example? Since January we have been discussing this thing called Reading Circle. Every child needs to meet the requirements and for my state, each child needs to read 11 fiction and 5 non-fiction. You may be thinking to yourself, "Self, that seems so easy." Really, however, it's not. Think about the book reports you turned in as a child? I don't know about you but I did the least amount of work because I hated them. I thought they were dumb. They didn't teach me anything so I blew them off. Apparently that wasn't just some generational slump. All students are like that...or most I guess. So as a cadre we had to develop a way to ensure that all students were meeting the Reading Circle goal. Blah blah blah. It sounds easy. And it should have been. Instead it has taken 4 months...FOUR months to figure this out. Every meeting I leave wanting to poke my eye out because every meeting the requirements get harder and harder.

Fast forward to today. The meeting had been going on for about 1 hour. I was getting so frustrated that I started gazing out the window. The principal, who was sitting next to me says, "What do you think?" Without thinking before speaking I said, "Okay. This is what I think. And I went on to tell everyone why my idea was best. And they bought it. I think mostly they bought it because my face turned red...partly from embarrassment and also partly because I was frustrated. And that was the end of it. Someone said "All in favor." We were decided. And at that moment I realized that I had given it very little thought. I didn't consider how other people in the school would react to the change my requirements would bring about. And I realized...at that exact moment...that I am becoming one of THOSE teachers.

Most of the teacher here are THOSE teachers. When I look at their husbands and their lives, I cringe because I so don't want to become that. They are so opinionated and so...strict...I guess even with their regular families. They are the "this is my way and walk ye in it" type people. My passive nature made me almost the antithesis of THOSE and now...now that seems to be changing. I don't want to be in a marriage where I treat my husband like a student or my children like subjects. And the devastating realization is that even through that one moment, I am more like THOSE teachers than I ever thought I would be.

G.L.P. Jerk

So...I've always considered myself a fairly strong person...the kind who isn't easily swayed about important things. I'm finding that maybe I'm not as strong as I originally thought. I work with this lady. She's the complete opposite of me. She's incredibly opinionated and dominating and loud and crude. I'm not any of those things most of the time. But the worst thing about her is she is so negative. Everything has a down side. Today we got massages at school for teacher appreciation week. She was pissed because we didn't get to miss classtime to do it. Last week lunch was provided at school. She was pissed because everyone couldn't eat together. Everything always has something wrong with it. It gets old but most of the year I've been able to shrug it off. I haven't really let it get to me. Today, however, I just got so tired of it...of her constant attitude...of the constant crude jokes and ridiculous inuendos. And honestly, I just couldn't stand her. For the first time all year I had absolutely no tolerance for her. I am afraid that I will eventually become like her. I'm around her so much and eventhough I try to be the antithesis of her, it's a lot of work. She says something sucks and I try to find something great about it. It gets old. It is old. And I'm done with it. 17 days left. Hopefully I can make it without punching her.