one comment, before the day begins...don't blame me if your child is a freaking liar. i'm pretty sure that has something to do with you, parent, not me. screw you.

screw it

this day is over. and i'm freaking glad about that. today was the big walk through deal. all the "important" people walk through the building to make sure we're actually teaching. i spent time preparing. cleaning, organizing, sorting. i don't consider myself as a person who is dying to impress other people. i do, however, like to give it my best. so in this case, doing some extra was my best. and it was freaking anticlimactic. for the last 2 weeks, the other teachers have been freaking out. the principal has been shoving things down our throats. it hasn't been great. and all for this. for the moment when one man would walk into my classroom, look around for less than 4 minutes and walk out. he didn't ask questions, he didn't pull students, he didn't look at my amazing anchor charts. and we were ready. we would have rocked. bastard didn't do anything to make me feel like all my efforts to be a good teacher all year have been worth anything.

i'm not the kind of person who shops out of fury or anxiety or anything really. but today i am. and i'm going to buy myself the best dang Nikes i can find. and if i can't find any, then i'll flip off the world as i walk away.

I'll think about it tomorrow

I had another pseudo blind date last night with the Blind Date Boy from last week. There was nothing really blog-worthy about it. I went over to Married Couples house. I brought a pie. We ate dinner and played Taboo. I confirmed the fact that I hate all games. We watched a movie. The End. It wasn't bad. It was a little fun, to be quite honest. As much as I rant about my "friend quota" sometimes it's fun to make new friends just to see if I still have it in me. So I made 3 new friends. Not the kind of friends that I'll call or that will call me to tell me they just saw a great movie. More like the friends you see around and can make small conversations with. I'm okay with that.

Anyway, so I'm not sure if I've blogged about this. Probably not. My school, the one I teach at, is on the chopping block and by that I mean it's going to close. There is this levy that the district is trying to pass...building 2 new schools and closing 4. My school is one of the 4. Here's how it will work. If the levy passes, 4 schools will be torn down and 2 new, beautiful schools will be built. No one will lose their jobs because most teachers will be moved into the new buildings. If the levy doesn't pass, 3 schools will be torn down, none will be built and 250 employees will lose their jobs. The oldest and the youngest will go. I'm in the youngest group.

To be quite honest, I wasn't worried about it until yesterday. As of now, the levy won't pass. The people in this town are wankers and for some reason are okay with having class sizes of 35-40. Not sure why. I was talking to my friend who teaches at another school that is on the chopping block. She's freaking out. It's pretty much a guarantee that we won't have a job next year. I have been looking at it as an opportunity. It will be my chance to get out of the district. To go somewhere amazing. But there is something incredibly unsettling about knowing you won't have a job. This is kind of a big deal. And I don't think I like it. So maybe i'll just think about it tomorrow.

blogging camel

I've been saving up blogging material for the last 2 days. I guess i'm like a blogging camel...or something.

Let me start out with the most recent events. About 3 minutes ago married couple with dogs called. I went out on a double date with married couple last week. refer to the previous blog but it wasn't my favorite night in the world. and i'm done capitalizing words. it wasn't a terrible evening. it was just boring. so she asked, "Blind date is coming into town and I'll be making dinner. You wanna come?" this is when it got awkward. i said, "um................." for about 15 seconds. and then i was totally silent. in my mind i was trying to come up with an answer. how can a person say yes and no at the exact same time. also, how can i come up with a legitimate excuse/lie in 25 seconds? so out of my mouth came the words, "sure." and then i apologized for the awkward silence. she thought i was referring to the awkward silence the other night which took place about every other 5 minutes. apparently i'm surrounded by a bubble of awkward silence. so then she went on to apologize for the other night and the awkwardness and that just made me more uncomfortable. so. i'm hanging out with married couple with dogs and blind date boy as well as probably most of his family. i need to refine my lying skills.

next...finding a birthday card for my boss. it's not a fun thing. it could be a fun thing but in this case, not so much. i don't know my boss that well. we don't hang out. we don't drink together or have inside jokes. but i didn't want to be the boring one either...with the sappy flower card. i found this great card about bologna man and how when he goes out he needs to remember the condiments. hilarious. not hilarious for my boss. so i settled. getting a card, to me, is like getting a new pair of shoes. i want my shoes to describe me...to look like me...to have my stamp of approval. likewise, i think a card should represent me. this one doesn't. dumb cards.

and finally, i need to discuss computer jerk. there is this guy. he goes around to different schools in the district working with their computers. he makes his rounds once a week which means if we're having a computer problem, it can only happen on tuesdays because that's our tech day. almost every time he comes to my school, he gets mad at me. the weeks he doesn't get mad at me are also the weeks i avoid him like the plague. he came on tuesday and i couldn't escape him. this time he got mad at me for wanting to get rid of two computers. apparently i should have done that LAST week. apparently and eventhough i am an adult, i can't change my mind. he made this big deal out of it and said something about me being the reason tech people want to hit teachers with sticks or whatever. then he pretended like he was hitting me with a stick. after his little rant about how irresponsible i am and how he would have to call a moving van and crap crap crap for two little computers, i looked at him, straight in his computer jerk face and said, "oh...sorry." then i walked away. just walked. as if i had somewhere important to go. and in my mind i was flipping him off. take that computer jerk. see you next tuesday.

The Me Who Cares

I just realized today how long it's been since I have actually cared how I look. Not that I've "let myself go." I haven't really. Each month I gain and lose about 10 pounds. It's weird and unhealthy but I put it on and drop it off and about the time I drop it off, I put it back on again. Until today I haven't cared a whole lot. But today I got up and decided to care. I looked through my closet and nothing looked good. Nothing looked, nothing looks, bright or cheerful or like something I would wear. So I went to the store and I bought a skirt. Yes. A skirt. I haven't put on a skirt for about 2 years. The last skirt I wore was a skirt I made out of ties and I wore it mostly for a statement. I got a black skirt. A professional looking one. It's even called a corporate skirt. I don't know what's gotten into me. I just feel like caring about my appearance. And in picking out my clothes for tomorrow, I'm tucking IN my shirt. I don't do that. I don't think I've ever done that. I might chicken out and go back to the normal way of dressing. Who knows. It's been so long since I've cared to impress someone. It's been so long since I've wanted the opinion of someone else. It's been so long since I've looked outside myself for much of anything. That's a sad thing. And my closet reflects exactly how dreary that is.

Maybe this is the point where I change. Not so much where I start caring about what other people think of me but where I start caring about...I don't know. When people who don't know me or my classroom walk into my room, they think my para is the teacher. It's because I look young. I dress young. Dress pants. Comfortable shoes. A polo. Every day. Maybe some heels and a jacket would make me look older. It'll make me uncomfortable. But if I want to be perceived as someone who knows something, I'll have to step my game up. I'm not saying I'm going to do this every day. But once a week is a start.

Compliments of a Lesbian

I was at wal-mart today, doing my once a month shopping. While I was standing in the bread row, trying to figure out if I wanted honey wheat bagels or regular bagels, a lady walked up to me and said, "Hey, do you live at _________ *insert my address*?" I looked at her strangely, trying desperately to place her face and hestitantly I replied, "Yes." She went on to introduce herself as my neighbor, one I had never actually met. She lives across the hall from me...with her girlfriend. Sometimes I turn off the tv so I can hear them fight. They say some pretty nasty things to each other and it makes me giggle when I really want to cringe. Apparently her girlfriend couldn't get off work to pick her up from wal-mart and she asked for a ride back to our building. I know what it's like to be stuck somewhere so of course I said yes. I was curious as to how she knew who I was. I had never actually met her before but I had seen her a handful of times. I couldn't have picked her out in a crowd. She said when she saw me in wal-mart, she immediately knew who I was. She said I have "striking features." I looked at her and said a very confused, "Thanks?"

I'm not sure what that means...to have striking features. I don't even know if that's a compliment. I've always considered myself very normal looking. I have a bit of a long face with absolutely no cheekbones. That's not what I would consider striking, however. We had a nice chat on the way back. She's a fairly nice person. I tried, very subtly, to give off the NOT A LESBIAN vibe...just in case. Maybe I should have been a little less subtle.

A blind date and Ray Charles

Of all the context in which blind is used, I can't think of one that is really good. ...blind as a bat, blindsided, blindspot... None of those are actually good things. Let me add one more to the list...blind date. I've been on blind dates before. They've never gone well. One time a college professor set me up on a blind date with a 30 year old guy. I was 18. Another time, I went on a blind date with a guy. I eventually started hating him. That was AFTER he bought me a really nice watch. So why I decided to risk going on a blind date, I'm not sure. It was set up a long time ago. Months ago actually.

Let me give you a recap of this blind, double date. The guy is 1.5 hours late but shows up at my house with a way pimp truck and the other couple inside. I climb in and see some guy I don't know. His brother came. Awkward. I don't know what this guy does, I don't know where he lives...and strangely I still don't know. The other couple and these two brothers have been friends forever...apparently since they were born. He evening was full of things like, "Remember that one time when we went to the lake and ate at that steak place?" *table laughs* "Man, that was hilarious!" *more laughing* That was the evening. When they weren't talking about childhood memories, they were discussing guns, big trucks, work and the war in Iraq. When I told them I was a teacher, my "date" said, "Oh that wouldn't be too hard." I looked at him and said, "Yeah, it's a breeze." (bastard)

The moral of the story is the only good, blind thing I can think of is Ray Charles. I wonder if a blind date with Ray Charles would be better?

Christmas...all year long?

I just talked to Pitt and he asked me if I would consider coming to visit for a semi-formal extravaganza. Sadly, the extravaganza runs about the same time as my spring break trip to Texas so going isn't even an option. If the tickets weren't bought, I would strongly consider a change of Texas plans...not because I don't love my family. I do. But I get to see them and talk to them. An opportunity like this doesn't arise often. Mostly it's that I've been waiting for it to arise for years. Not waiting for it. More like trying to ignore that I wished it would. I tried my hardest, during the phone conversation, to sound calm and cool and totally okay but inside, and as soon as I hung up the phone, I giggled and laughed and smiled like a goon. I wish I could explain these emotions because maybe if I could explain them, I could make them make sense or, if necessary, make them go away. They've lasted three years, however, and those darn emotions are having trouble letting go.

So inside I'm feeling weird. I'd like to take this trip...partly for the sightseeing but mostly not for that. To be honest with you and with myself, I'd like to see Pitt. Emotions are hard to kill and maybe if I saw him, I could either let them live in peace or force them to die, depending.

I'm jumping to far off conclusions and I'm playing out scenarios in my mind that I know won't happen. But at the same time, i can picture him walking into the house I used to live in...peaking through the door and knocking lightly. I remember a card he gave me and the thought of it warms my heart. I've packed those things away...literally and figuratively. That's what a person doesn't when they don't use something. It's not that those things aren't necessary...just that I'm not sure what to do with them. Like Christmas decorations. They're necessary...during a certain time and season. And then they need to be packed away. Not because you don't like them, just because it's not the right time. Maybe...sometime...it'll be the right time again...and it'll be Christmas all year long.

i'm a teacher and first and formost, my job is to create productive citizens. yeah, multiplication and basic addition. but i am expected to pass on these kids to the next grade who can function and who i can see as people who will be good in the world...people more than dead weight.

and it's painful to see that i can't do that. i have a girl in my class who i recommended for testing. can't read, can't focus, can't complete math problems. i just had the results meeting with the special ed coordinator and the parent and all these other people. turns out she doesn't qualify. she has a low IQ but not low enough so she can't get any special help. none. the only thing she can receive is the help i give in class. she won't be retained...i've already been told that by the principal. so i'm going to let a girl leave my classroom, knowing she can't read, knowing there is nothing i can do for her. knowing that she will be a statistic, a teen pregnancy, an adult who isn't able to read. and it kills me because i can't fix this. i can't do anything about it.

teaching, i guess is about doing the most good for the most students. so...she can't read but we still move on. so...she can't add numbers but we still move on. i thought i signed up to help kids learn, not watch as they slip through the cracks. i don't remember signing up for this.

Onomatopoeia poem about my day

My kids are learning about writing poems. This is the kind where the writer uses on Onomatopoeias.

Zoom zoom zoom
Zoom zoom zoom
My car is sitting on a sheet of ice
The size and shape of Kansas
Zoom zoom zoom
I try again
No luck
Bang
I get out to examine the problem
Like a doctor looking at a patient
Scratch scratch scratch
I hear a neighbor down the road
Shoveling his sidewalk
Crunch crunch crunch
I walk across the crispy snow
To ask if I can use his shovel
"Sure," he says, "if you think it will help"
Crunch crunch crunch
Back across the snow
With my shoes sinking in
At the slushy, mushy places
Scratch scratch scratch
I scrape the snow and shovel it around my tires
Zoom zoom zoom
Zoom zoom zoom
No luck
Sigh
All night long I hear
Beep beep beep
Maybe in real life or maybe in my dreams
It's the sound of a tow truck, taking my car away
I wake up, run to the window
It's still there
On a sheet of ice, the size and shape of Kansas
Finally morning comes
I try again
Zoom zoom zoom
Zoom zoom zoom
No luck
Across the street I hear
"Man, it sure is early."
Crunch crunch crunch
Across the snow comes help
With a zoom zoom zoom
And a whole lot of pushing
My car pops out of the ice
Onto the snow
And the last thing I hear is
Go, go, go

car stuck

i'm stuck. literally. my car is stuck on a sheet of ice. in the middle of a "no outlet" street. honestly, it's quite in the middle. and i'm trying to stay calm. it's not like it's in the middle of a public street where lots of people drive. it IS definately blocking some people in. it worries me so much. i don't know why. i'm so desperate to get the situation taken care of. so desperate, in fact, that i saw a truck with a shovel on the front drive by to clean off a nearby street and i threw on some shoes to try to flag the guy down. totally not practical. the guy is in a freaking monster truck and he is doing the public a giant service. i'm sitting here wondering if i'm going to get towed. or if the people i'm blocking in need to go to work early tomorrow. i guess, when it comes down to it, i'm a doer. i've always considered myself a thinker. i think about things. sometimes i do things. but in situations like this, in situations that need to be resolved, i feel myself being wrenched apart when the solution doesn't come as quickly as i would prefer.

so i'm in for a fitful night of sleep, i guess. sometimes i wonder if things like this happen because God gets frustrated with me. i didn't thank Him when i got out of the ice this morning but i sure talked to him about 10 minutes ago when i was burning all kinds of rubber. i wonder if He designs things to get my attention...to get the attention of alot of people and maybe other people just don't realize that's what's going on. or maybe things just happen. i just get stuck in the snow. i just fall and spill salad all over the place. i just dump my coffee all over the counter and other people. i don't know. but i do know that my car is stuck and i am sad.

ghosts?

i've been reading this book about ghosts. actually it's not so much about ghosts as it involves characters who are ghosts. it's a fiction story and i guess it's pretty good. some major twists and turns, to be sure. at the end of the book, the author writes believing in ghosts is a bit like being pregnant--either you are or you aren't and there's no in between." there are some things in life that i've just never developed my own theory about. i don't know that i believe in ghosts but i don't know why else the hair on my neck stands up when they are discussed. so many people, smart people who i trust and believe, tell me about personal encounters and who am i to look at them and disbelieve what they know to be truth? i should develop a belief. i'm reading it for a book club and i know when we meet, they'll ask my opinion. i think there are things in this world that i can't explain. maybe ghosts fit into that category. if it is possible to be in the "in between" category, i think that's where i fit.

super tuesday

super tuesday is tomorrow. i feel like i'm in the middle of a last minute, night before cram session. it's important to me that i make an informed decision but it's so hard to find a good source when everything is so biased. i never know what to believe. either way, though, i'm voting. and i wish more people would. what the crap is the purpose of democracy if no one pays attention to what's going on?