Ruining My Crush

So...I'm a church goer. It's true. I'm not so much a church involver but I am a goer. And I'm trying to become an involver because I just feel like that's something I need to do...part of growing up or whatever. So tonight was a church harvest party or whatever. Mostly it was a hotdog, hayride, apple cider extravaganza and I went for all the above...not so much for the social aspect. I got my friend to go with me so I wouldn't be standing alone by the hot dog buns shoving them into my mouth to avoid having to talk to people. I figured if I brought someone, we could stand in silence and I wouldn't have to gain 10 pounds from eating an entire package of hot dogs.

I like fall festival type things. I like the smell of fire and the cold chill in the air. I like that everything feels crisp and I love the way my scarf feels wrapped around my neck. Truth be told, I was mildly excited about going to this harvest extravaganza. And then he ruined it. He ruined the apple cider, hot dog eating, cold air breathing funness and it made me sad because he also ruined my crush. The bass player.

He was my crush...my escape from the world of teaching, my attempt at impressing someone, my way of getting positive attention from someone older than 9. Turns out, he's turning gray, he's super full of himself and he's actually kind of annoying. He didn't pay much attention to my friend and I think that made her feel bad. It also made his intentions pretty freaking obvious. And standing next to him, I felt like his daughter or cousin or some sort of relative...not like myself. I hate that he ruined it for me.

The thing is, I do this every time. I get someone to like me and then when they do, I get bored and frustrated. I think it's almost like hunting but I get mad when I actually shoot the deer. Maybe it's less about me being mad and more about me being scared. Scared that my friends won't like this person. Scared that I'll have to make a decision. Scared that I'm growing up. Scared that I won't have every moment of every day free to do what I want. Scared that while I'm hanging with this kid, something better will come along. I think that's part of it. I've grown so cynical toward dating. I think every person is only in it for the sex...which is not an option. I think they'll get bored with me so why start anything. I think all these things and it stops me from trying. But even when I do try, it doesn't fit right. Not the way it should. Not the way it has before. It's almost liking picking jeans up from a rack at a store. I look at them and they look great but I wonder if they will look great on ME. I wonder if they're in my price range. I wonder if I'll wear them once and not like the way they fit. So I put them back on the rack and walk away...all the while wondering if I should have tried them on but knowing that if I had, the outcome probably wouldn't have been that great.

I'm tired of dating idiots. I'm tired of wasting my time on people that mean nothing to me...people that don't change my heart or my thinking or make any impact on my life. Not that I've decided I want to get my heart broken. I'm just tired of dating aimlessly. And unfortunately that seems to be the only kind of dating I'm doing these days.