Docking the Ship

I tried. I told you I would and I did. It just didn't work. So tonight I was in the city at Barnes and Noble looking for a cd that I just can't find anywhere when Navy calls. I answer just because I feel like I should. He wanted to know my opinion of him rejoining a fraternity on campus. He graduated with some degree and is going back to get another. Anywhoo, I told him straight up. 1) Joining a fraternity while working nights and taking 18 hours? That sounds like a good idea? Sometimes I think people think college is all about socializing. It's mostly about socializing but let's all remember why we're actually there...something about getting a degree. 2) Partying is so sophomore and junior year. Joining a fraternity now is all weird. He'd be like the old guy. 3) A person doesn't need to belong to a fraternity to have a social circle. Social circles are built into college life. It just happens. After that we talked about his busy life and I brought up the business, hinting at just ending the whole whatever is going on now thing. It fit in well with the conversation and seriously I'm not all about taking up someones time. I don't want to feel like an incovenience and I realize that he works and does school stuff and still has his regular family or whatev. I don't ever want to be an obligation and I think I could see myself becoming that to him. I don't want him to resent having to be around me...like serving time or something. So we decided we should just let whatever go.

I feel like puking but I'm not sure why. Maybe it was all the black beans I had at dinner or that super sweet coffee drink or maybe it's this situation. I wasn't totally into the guy and in my mind, i had already set a time limit for the relationship so it wasn't going anywhere important. Mostly I'm disappointed that I didn't get to try harder. I had my heart set on trying...seeing if I could actually do a relationship. Neither one of us said the whole, "...not the right time...maybe in the future..." crap because that's so lame. And I'm disappointed because I feel like I've failed without even trying to fail this time. I wanted to like someone, to get over the past, to stop playing moments in my head, to occupy that space with something not so heavy. I'm disappointed that those feelings from years ago are still there...sitting under the surface and just waiting for a meloncholy moment so they can stick their little faces into my heart and make me hurt all over again. I wanted to get rid of them. Instead I just gave them the opportunity to be obvious again.

My main concern is how to get his dog tags back to him in a not-so-awkward way. I could drop them off in the mailbox but should I tell him? Should I write a note? Should I just send him a text? Does he need to be there? How long do I wait to drop them off? It's too confusing. This is why life is so much easier as a single person. Less crap to deal with...still crap...just less of it. So good-bye to Navy. The actual thing lasted a month and it was fun. He said, "We should still be chummy." I don't know what that means. I'd appreciate a friendship but chummy? Say what? Maybe it's better to just dock this ship totally. And make sure I never sail out on it again. It was a good run but, turns out, I get motion sick.