Gray hair

I was hanging out with some friends tonight...laughing and having a great time. Then a comment was made and I, suddenly, felt so depressed. It was almost like I had been feeling depressed all along but I finally let myself actually FEEL depressed. We were talking about the kids in our classes and how they just don't have things...like parents or clean clothes. First of all, I felt so bad for them. Parents are in jail, grandparents are 80 years old, no one to love or take care of them. The other day, one girl wrote a note to another students saying that a girl in the class was stinky. It made me almost cry...because she is. Sometimes I move her away from her table because sitting across the room, I can smell her and the people she sits with know I'll get mad if they tell me she stinks. Yesterday she came to school with the greasiest hair I have ever seen on anyway. She scratched her head and her hair stood up...like stuck up. Usually hair just falls back into its normal spot...usually. I looked at the dirt marks on her arms and I know it's been at least a week since she's showered. When I realize where this girl is coming from, I understand, just a little, why she doesn't give a crap about school. She's the mom...a 9 year old mom.

The second reason I felt sad was because I realized that I was playing a part in some ridiculous game. As a teacher, I see myself and hear others playing this game...it's called One Up. It's not really a game...as in points are awarded and I may be the only person who realizes it turns out to be a game. Someone tells a story, for example a story about the greasy hair, and someone else says, "Yeah. In my classroom..." and they try their best to one up you...to have a worse class or a smellier child or a more annoying boss. People in all professions play this game. Yesterday while we were playing the game, it grieved me that I was using my kids to try to one up someone else. I felt bad...like they were little pawns and I was the sick, chess player.

The third reason is because sometimes I worry about my kids on the weekend. Monday morning is when they usually announce that their mom or dad or both has been taken to jail. Sometimes I get scared when I think about who will tell me this week. Sometimes I wonder if they'll have food at home. I worry because I didn't send anything home with them. I'm not much of the worrying kind.

I know I complain about having 28 kids and I know sometimes I say things like, "Man, I wish that kid would move." But on Monday I always hope everyone is there...just so I can know that they're all okay. I think THIS is why I found 3 gray hairs this week.