Note to self

So...today...yeah. I had my kids write a letter to themselves. Or that was the assignment. Turns out they don't know how to write letters and they don't get the concept of writing a letter to themselves. It was terrible. I thought it was going to be a good idea...something I could keep all year. Something to help guage their progress. It was not good at all. I just got their reading levels from the end of the year assessment in 2nd grade. The lowest? A level C. The highest? Level T. Now for those of you who don't understand leveling or what that means, it's a way of seeing where the kids are in reading...what kind of books they can read. Level C is sentences with a couple words. Bigger print. Easy stuff. Level T is chapter book, big word, fun extravaganza. You are smart and you realize there is a very big gap between level C and level T. Now I have to figure out how to teach so a level C can understand and a level T is challenged. Thus begins the hardest part of teaching. Challenging but giving the students attainable goals.

The one thing that makes me heart happy right now is my family fridge. I threw out the idea at first because I thought it was dumb then randomly I decided to go with it. I have a bulletin board in my classroom in a corner. On that bulletin board I decided to hang things the kids give me...cards, pictures, notes, good grades, compliments. That will be our family fridge. I like it. When I feel overwhelmed, it makes me happy. Yipee for the family fridge, sad for the note to self.

the ramblings of a 3rd grade mind

quick. there is a blog called the ramblings of a third grade mind. it's kinda funny. and i can't figure out how to save it...so i can remember it by looking at my blog. also, i don't feel like jacking with it right now. so remember...this one is good.

My First Day As a Teacher. A day that might, possibly, live in infamy.

Today was the first day. My first day as a teacher. This is the beginning of my teaching blog. Not teaching blog. Blog about teaching maybe. Or just another blog. Yeah, probably.

28 kids. That's how many I have. 28 of anything is alot. Even 28 hamburgers. And I love hamburgers. 28 is so many. 24 is such a good number and 28 doesn't seem that much more than 24 but...somehow...it is. That's too many bodies in one room. Too many voices. Too many people out of seats. Too much. So, with both classes, my GLP (grade level partner) and I have 60 kids...almost 60 kids. THAT is too much. I think this will be an interesting year. I did today by myself. I only ran next door one time to ask about bus riders. I feel good about that. I think if I can survive the first day by myself, I'll be okay. Yeah, I will be. I almost changed that statement but you know, I think I will be okay. 28 is alot but I will do it. I WILL.

Now about the kids...they're okay. I'm sad that I won't get to spend much time talking to them individually. I'm sad I won't be able to laugh at them because I'll be too busy doing damage control. I'm sad for those reasons. There is a girl. She will be interesting. She may not be the funnest person to hang out with but I'll deal. Another thing that makes me sad is a story I heard. A boy told me one night his family didn't have any food so they just ate candy...for supper and breakfast and lunch and all day. That's not a big deal...right? People do that? These people do. And I'm afraid with 28 kids I won't have the time or the ability to love them and to provide them with the support they need. That scares me more than anything.

Restroom. The worst part of my life. I think I might prefer kids actually peeing their pants so I can avoid restroom. Two bathrooms, one boys, one girls, for the ENTIRE SCHOOL! Honestly. The other teachers told me it gets better. I think they're lying.

So, at the end of the day, my feet hurt and my head hurts and my pride hurts a little. But I still have all my hair. And I still have some dignity. And I have 2 hugs. And they meant so much to me. And, finally, I have a story. This kid comes up to me and says, "I miss my home country." I said, "Really? Where are you from?" He looked at me and said "Texas." Hmm. So Texas really IS a different country.

Range Finder

so this is my first, of many, blogs from my classroom. my actual classroom. the place where i will mold minds and correct papers and spend about 90% of this upcoming year. i should be working on something, organizing something or putting something on a bulletin board. i needed a break though. and i wanted to blog. it's been ages.

it's weird having my own classroom. i have to make all these decisions. where do i put the desks. what do i put on bulletin boards. who has what job and what classroom jobs do i actually make. it's so much work...so much thought has to go into everything. and everything is bound to be changed at least 10 times before it's just right. i like it though. by "it" i mean this whole thing i'm doing now. i was thinking earlier as i was cutting out lamination and numbers and crap that i don't think i would do this for any other reason. i mean, if someone asked me to do it for an office job, i think i'd grumble. but i'm not grumbling and i think that says alot about me and my desire to do this...to put together a classroom made of random tv screens and giant rolls of paper.

i was hanging up these papers that i like to call "range finders." they really just help kids see what a paper should look like. i have a good range finder, a medium one, a barely getting by one and a terrible one. the purpose is for the kids to see what a good paper looks like and hopefully follow that guide. then i started thinking about life and relationships and how i have a range finder. i realized that Pitt was a range finder. the thing about a range finder is that not every paper has to be just like it do get a good score and likewise not every relationship i have has to be just like him for it to work and be amazing. he just showed me what good was. the moment i realized that was an amazing moment...a moment where suddenly and for a brief moment, the world made perfect sense...or at least it made a little sense. anyway so Pitt was my range finder...and i'm sure i'll have others. they're necessary. they ensure that writers are doing good things and they ensure that i am on the right track. and now i should get back to work. next week this room will be full of kids and i'll be questioning my abilities so maybe i should try to make this look as good as possible.

The Sound of Settling

I tried writing this in another message but it didn't work out. That made me sad. and at this point i'm no longer going to use capital letters. it's been eons since i've had a blog and that makes me sad. this is something that i enjoy doing and soon, hopefully, i can start it again. it's like a drug for me...and that's okay.

there is this song that says, "this is the sound of settling" and i'm wondering if that is the theme song to my life these days. it feels like i'm settling...for clothes i don't like, for food that is cheap and easy, for boys that just take up my time, for a job that doesn't fit me well. i feel like i've settled. and maybe that is human nature...to feel like there always could have been something better, something more amazing. maybe it's just me being full of myself, thinking i could have been more or done something else somewhere cooler. maybe i'm not settling. maybe this is as good as it gets for right now. that's okay...no no...actually that's not okay. i don't want to feel like this. maybe it's my nerves cracking me out. i don't know. all i know is i have heard that song playing in my head all day and i'm not sure how i feel about that.

tomorrow starts the teacher meetings and i'm scared. i wish i could run somewhere...fly to somewhere and just forget it all. that would be easier. i have some money saved. this is a big deal. sometimes i think i can do it. most of the time i'm pretty sure i can't. i guess we'll find out. maybe this...right here...with my nerves ticking and the lull of teachers talking...maybe for me this is the sound of settling.

How to Use Quotation Marks and Why I Never Do...

The ironic thing about life is that I, personally, don't want anything until I absolutely can't have it. I don't realize a decision was ridiculous until I've already made my bed. I don't decide I like someone until there is no hope of friendship. I don't decide until the time is up. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it has something to do with my terrible habit of waiting until the last moment in about every situation. Procrastination, as some would call it. I don't know what I call it. I saw the classroom of a friend today and I realized that I would rather be teaching at that school. So many times I make my bed and then I make some dramatic deal about laying in the mess I've created.

I think I might have screwed myself with Fellow Teacher. She has not taken kindly to me and that makes me sad. I guess some of the comments she made about me hurt my pride and my ego...nothing more really. I told some people (in an attempt to vent and use those people as sounding boards), and they told some people, who, I am sure, will inevitably tell Fellow Teacher and then I will have given her an actual reason to hate me. I'm not sure why I did that but I did. I can picture it now, in my head, all so high school. I don't want to deal with that. I'm sure I'll be stressed enough but once again I've made my bed and I'm pissed because it's the only place I have to lay down. I guess mostly I'm rolling my eyes at myself for being such an idiot. Why did I have to start drama? Why can't thoughts and words just stay in my head?

I guess I'm sad this summer will be over. I've been busy. Every second of this summer seems to have been filled with something...work or a project or moving or trying my hardest to enjoy my summer. I'll miss it. As much as I've complained about my job, it has been good for me. As I was driving away today, a small twinge of sorrow hit my heart. I realized I will probably never see the people I worked with or the kids I've spent the summer with...I won't see them again. I might see them in Target but we'll exchange glances and maybe pass a few awkward words. But them I'll be older one. I'll have to act mature. I'll miss the boy too. He's kinda dumb but also funny and I'll miss the humor. He reminds me so much of my brother and I think I'll miss that daily reminder most of all. I'll miss working for E. Eventhough we haven't hung out more or talked much on the job, he makes me laugh and I'll miss not laughing everyday at some memory or something ridiculous. I'll miss the job. I get like this...girly and nostalgic. Maybe it's the stress. Maybe all these emotions that are usually so foreign to me are brought on by the stress. Understandable. *sigh* Am I seriously going to have to wait until next summer to sleep an entire night or wake up and not have knots in my shoulders? This could be a long year.

Freak Out Attack

I'm not generally one to freak out about stuff...generally. Sometimes about big stuff like life decisions but mostly no. These past couple days, however, I can't stop hyperfreaking. All I think about, dream about, is teaching...the upcoming huge deal in my life. i know I sound like a broken record to most people, especially the people I talk to often, but I can't help it. I talked to a girl last night...a new teacher. She's ready. She MADE curtains, created bulletin boards, copied her papers, blah blah blah. And I've been to my classroom a couple times. That pretty much it. I haven't thought about lesson plans or the first day of school or parent night. And I hear it doesn't get any easier. I wish I had an easier career. One where I knew what was expected of me and I could fulfill my duties. It seems like my responsibilities as a teacher change daily. I am an avoider. I avoid things that are hard to think about. I somehow convince myself the problem is non-existant. But I can't convince myself of that this time. And though all this crap is looming infront of me, I still find the time to be offended and feel left out when people at work don't include me or ignore me or whatever. It's ridiculous. Out of all the stuff I could worry about and think about, I choose that? It worries me that I'm still that childish...that I still want everyone to like me...that I am still concerned with what other people think. I have a lot of growing up to do in two weeks.

Fighting to Float

I'm not having a happy day today. It started out fine with some coffee and some deep thoughts in the morning. It got worse...progressively...and now I'm to the point of total pissed-off-ness. I'm pretty sure that's not even a real word or a real use of a real word but I don't really care. Sometimes I think I may be one of the only smart people left on earth. When I say "on earth" I'm actually talking about the idiots I work with. They just...seriously. How have they survived thus far in life? I think these people are the reason humans may, at some point, become extinct. They're so lazy. Give me a second to vent here. I realize you may not understand what I'm talking about and in that case skip this paragraph and continue on. You see, I work with kids. It's great and fun about 75% of the time. The rest of the time it is completely insane and makes me want to cry. Today was not a 75% day. The kids were decent but my fellow workers were completely...useless. Sometimes I think if I sat on my butt as much as they do, nothing would get done...literally nothing. They don't watch the kids. They don't clean. They don't do anything. So...I have to be the mean teacher...take care of business...get stuff done. And because I do this, both the kids and my fellow employees, try to avoid me. It pisses me off that I get pissed on because I refuse to piss on my job. Not piss on the job...piss on my job. You have to read that with the appropriate accent marks or it doesn't make sense.

Moral of the story? Today I wanted to quit. And not, in 1 very short hour, I have to go to another job and do stuff that I don't give a crap about. I'm starting to think this is not the greatest existance. I run from misery to misery with little but misery in between. *sigh* There is this one part on Grey's Anatomy where one of the key characters is drowning in a large body of water and barely fights to swim or to stay afloat. Today that is me. I don't feel like I can fight to stay afloat today.

the unhappy day

yesterday i went to my new classroom and it was just so...overwhelming. i didn't know where to start or what to do. it's so real...and so incredibly surreal. it's like this is something that i've been dreaming about and imagining for so long that it can't possibly have come true. i wish i could say this was a completely amazing dream but it's actually one of those dreams that makes you totally freak out. when you wake up, your body hurts from being stressed and your head hurts from the pressure. it's a good dream but it's not a relaxing, refreshing dream. maybe it's because i just don't feel relaxed or refreshed today. it's been so long since i've felt like that. i don't like my job today. i hung out with the 1st and 2nd graders yesterday and they make these kids look like juvenile punks. i just...i don't want to be here today. i don't feel like dealing with kids. and we're understaffed right now. eventhough that doesn't directly affect me or what i do as a person, it still stresses me out. i'm worrying about how things are going to get done and wondering if i should be doing more. i think that's just something i always wonder though.

my favorite part of today? i don't think i have one yet. i have yet to break an actual smile, to actually feel happy about something. this cannot be the rest of my life. it won't be. it'll be the rest of the summer. but if i wake up feeling this way every day, i'll find something amazing to do and i'll do it. screw retirement, screw comfortable lifestyle. i probably won't have that anyway. carpe freaking diem. and it makes me sad that i'm not.