Since I realize that you are the only one who reads what I write from time to time and since I'm at school and can't use the wonder of facebook, I'll tell you of my discoveries via blog. It's the next best thing. So we could do this thing...we could travel around the world...for 4500 dollars. That sounds like alot...because it is. But we could do it. It wouldn't be that hard. We could do this. Stay in some hostels. Use all these cards...check out some scenery. I'm so pumped and I want to go now. We could stay there for 3 or 4 weeks. This is the opportunity of a lifetime. I'm so young...I have so much time. Why wouldn't I do this? I can save money. I can do this. I'm doing this. Next summer. Even if I have to take out a loan. We're doing this. Traveling. Because we can. We have no reason NOT to do some traveling.

And for now, I have to be an adult and do work and stuff. This is ridiculous. I do believe I'm tired of acting old.

9 eons and some mountain dew

I haven't blogged for about 9 eons and I was starting to freak out. I have this new watch. Truth be told, I don't like watches. They get in my way. I don't like jewelry either. I just find all that stuff, most of the time, annoying. I generally end up taking it off and moving on and as a result, I tend not to buy it. I did, however, recently invest in a watch. I'm starting to have some serious second thoughts though. I forgot how inhibiting it was to have to wear the thing. It's all sliding around and not feeling right. And if I take it off, I'll lose it and that would be ridiculous. I did need to invest in a watch though because apparently there is some rule about being late everywhere. I guess it makes one loose friends or something. So I'm taking one for the team here.

In other news I'm totally enjoying living by myself. I'm so free to do whatever I want. I don't wear pants much. My favorite thing to do is to walk in my door, take off my pants and throw them on the floor. It's great. And I can't get mad at anyone but myself...and what's even better is that no one can get mad at me. It's great. I haven't had a lonely moment yet. I thought I would freak out after having lived in close proximity to other people all my life. I'm handling it well though. There is something about living alone...having to amuse oneself. The other day I tried to learn to juggle. I was doing well but I stopped because...I don't know why. I just stopped. I think everyone should have the opportunity to live alone, if only for a short amount of time. It's so...liberating...refreshing. Maybe just for me because I'm not a big fan of people.

I've decided to work on my book again. I'm kinda excited about that. Not that I'll become a published author or anything. It's just something I want to do for myself. I decided that I'm a good writer...or at least I'm decent...so I might as well write some crap while I have the time and energy. And it helps keep my mind of other things and that is, at times, such a relief. Living alone means that I have no one to talk to or to fight with so I spend much of my time daydreaming or writing stuff in my head. I write books in my head. I make stuff up. It's weird. I think I might be the only person ever to do that. And when I'm writing my book or running or being otherwise occupied, it keeps my mind from wandering too far. I do believe I may grow into that senile old woman. Heck, I think I'm senile now and I'm still a whipper-snapper.

i'm scared. my heart is racing and i feel like pulling my hair. i just got done with a meeting at my new school and i'm totally freaked out. i'm slowly, and yet so suddenly, realizing that i am a teacher. they were talking about guided reading and schedules and all this other stuff that i know nothing about. i feel like someone is reaching inside my body and shaking my stomach around. i feel like it's my first day of college and i know nothing, i can't find my classrooms, i have no friends. i feel totally...not prepared, not ready, not old enough for this job. i am very scared. this is my life and these people are expecting me to be good at this. this is my first year and i know, i fully expect that i will make ridiculous mistakes. i hope they realize that. i hope i have some support. I will teach guided reading. I will have 11 kids that are basic or below basic, 2 grades, below their appropriate reading level. I will have a kid with special needs who will demand so much of my attention. I. I will. this is now MY problem. and THAT is scary. i'm not sure what to do. i literally thought about pulling over to puke on my way back from the meeting. i drank some diet coke...first of all, nasty...secondly, not something that should ever be done when some unknown force is grabbing my stomach and shaking the crap out of it. i'm scared...so scared. my muscles hurt because i'm scared. i'm picturing myself. with all these kids. looking at me. expecting answers. and a principal who demands perfection. and experienced teachers who look to me to know what i'm doing. and i'm scared.

Music is my Aeroplane

Music is weird. It evokes such emotion. It takes me back to times and places that I haven't been or even thought about for years. Today I was driving and almost slipped in my Mae cd. I don't do it often because it takes me back to a time and place that, while I like to visit, I know I shouldn't. There are only certain times, certain days, when I allow myself to listen to them. When I let myself slip into nostalgia and revisit the past. I like those trips but being the realistic and cautious girl that I am, I don't let them happen often.

I think I'd like to do something amazing. Sometimes I feel so...um...I don't know how to put it I guess. I feel like I'm lacking something because I am not married and it seems most of my peers are. I feel like maybe there is something wrong with me. My high school class reunion is coming up soon and I don't want to go. I won't go. I can't go. I am not so different from 5 years ago...not as different as I wish. I realize that part of the reason I want to do something amazing with my life is I guess because I want to have something to talk about. "You're married? That's cool. I went to Europe last summer." I know that's so dumb and so totally high school...trying to prove something...but somewhere inside me I realize that motive lurks. Sometimes instead of running from the truth, from what is really going on in my head, I think I'll just accept it...and maybe not so much accept it but at least acknowledge it. Maybe it will be easier to change that way.

I've decided to develop a crush. Really, how high school am I? Sometimes I feel bored and I think I need to for some reason. It seems that I haven't liked anyone for ages so that's what I decided over the weekend. It makes life interesting...trying to read facial expressions, trying to figure things out about his life. I know nothing about him and I'm cool with that. I'm developing this crush out of bored. It has no other substance. I can't even believe I'm admitting it because it sounds so foolish. Maybe I'm not handling getting up at 5:00 in the morning as well as I think I am. Whatev.

spoiled chocolate milk

how long does it take for milk to go sour? because i have some sitting in my car. an entire crate of those little chocolate milk cartons that were so popular in elementary school. they were going to throw them away...perfectly good milk. so i took it. and it's sitting in my car. i don't exactly like chocolate milk but i'll drink it when it's around. besides i don't want to go to the store. i'm just crossing my fingers that it doesn't go bad while i'm in here selfishly writing a blog about nothing. i was having withdraws. i've been forced to write things on paper...with a pen. it's hard. it makes my head hurt. i've grown too accustom to typing on the computer.
i'm all moved in and it's not really that great of a feeling. when i stop to think, if only for a moment, about where i am in life, i get a sick feeling in my stomach. i'm not sure why. i'm not sure what causes it. but the feeling prevents me from doing anything. i can't even explain the emotions. it's strange and i realize my words are coming out in a jumbled mess. that's okay. i'm tired. apparently i'm not a morning person. or i've grown too accustom to getting 7 hours of sleep per night. that may be it. i'm not sure i'm fond of this growing up extravaganza. all these things weighing on my back and on my mind. it's painful. literally. so i ignore it...or at least i try. and now i'll go back to my apartment and ignore the problem that exists. i have yet to put anything away. i'm not ready. it's too weird. too final. too overwhelming. maybe i'll take a nap.

The Last Day of Normalcy

It's the last day of school and it honestly doesn't feel like it. I was laying in bed last night thinking about it. It's weird that on Monday I won't come to this building, I won't see these kids, I won't have lunch duty. It's weird that today is the last day. I always get mushy like this when I realize that something in life will never happen again.

I like my kids. They're different and fun and interesting and eventhough they are totally weird at times, I still really think they're amazing. I brought my camera but taking pictures seems almost cruel...like if I take pictures it will really mean that this will never happen again and I will never have the opportunity to joke with them or to chill out with them again. I'm so glad I took this job. I've learned so much from the women I work with. I've learned by watching other teachers and I've learned some of my limits. I've realized why Special Education teachers come back year after year...because there is a feeling of success. It's a very different feeling from getting good scores on a standardized test. It's the feeling that I have truly changed the lives of these children. They wouldn't talk before. They were completely dependent before. They didn't know how to write their names before. Maybe it wasn't so much me or my teaching abilities. Maybe they would have learned these things anyway. But I was here to watch and to help and to encourage. These skills, the skills that I have helped teach them, are skills that will last. It is so much more rewarding than teaching 7 different ways to work a division problem. I feel successful and not so much "I" but I feel like my kids are successful and that means so much more. I will miss them.

I am venturing into an entirely uncharted portion of my life. I will be living alone, working at a new school, changing so many things about my life. I'm nervous. How could I not be? It's kind of a big deal. I would be lying if I said I were totally excited because I'm not. I kinda like the old way. But soon the "old way" will be older and I'll forget what it was like and life will be just fine. That's the way it works. When things pile up and I think I can't handle it all, turns out I can handle it and I do and I get over stuff. It's tragic almost...to love something so much and then just to get over it. I'm trying not to think about all the big things that need to be done in my life. I am the kind of person that will think about things when I need to. I deal with situations as they arise. I don't, generally, go looking for issues. So I'll take every day and deal with the problems each day will hold for me. I think this upcoming year, from this June to next June, will be difficult for me. I may get some good blogs out of it.

Since I won't have the Internet in my new apartment, I probably won't do much blogging over the summer. It's sad. Because I love this time. Some people sing, other people run...I write. Not always well but I write nonetheless. I'll be back though, every now and then, to write something. And next year, when I am an actual teacher, I'll be writing because that's what I do. Because this is my sanity.