Quality Tool

So...I pretty much spent the entire weekend sleeping. Some people may consider that a wasted weekend and if I think about it too long I might agree with them but today I feel so incredibly refreshed and that is worth all the laziness. I was talking to a kid, a guy, a 20 year old, yesterday and he said he doesn't like naps. He feels lazy because he realizes there is so much he should be doing. Yeah. Whatever. I like naps. Besides when I get older and as I grow up, I'm sure my ability to nap with such frequency will slip away. So for now I will savor every nap.

I went to a baseball game over the weekend...just some people I know playing for fun. I like baseball. I haven't always. I think I just like the normal baseball with normal people who aren't getting paid a million dollars per hit. I think I'm going to go every weekend...or at least as much as I can. I'll be going by myself and that doesn't bother me. Somethings are okay when done alone...watching baseball, for me, happens to be one of those things. While I was at the game, I saw a chick who teaches at my Student Teaching school. When I graduated, a guy went in a took my place as a new student teacher. I have to say that I resented him. We had another teaching experience together and I did all the work. He struggled. Not that I'm hating on him for struggling. It happens. What pisses me off is that he gets spoonfed because he's a guy and guys in the world of education are few and very far between. So I did the work and he got the credit. Well now he's at a school where the principal, a women, loves guys. She favors them above the other female teachers, despite how good the teachers may be. This guy, I shall call him Tool, interviewed with this district, just like I did, and got a call back for a second interview, just like I did. Apparently in the second interview, with the head of all things important, the guy that hires all and fires all, he didn't do so well. Head guy didn't want to hire him. He didn't want to hire him!! I realize that doesn't excite you at all but it is like sweet music to my sore ears. Head guy said Tool was cocky. Now I'm not going to make a big deal out of this because I know I'm not the best at interviewing and I don't know what Head guy said about me but it just makes my heart a little light to know that Tool only got hired because of connections...which proves how strong connections are and also proves why he sucks up so much. I feel more comfortable knowing that I got hired because I am quality not because I am good at sucking up. Am I 12 years old? Yeah. Do I like it...if only just for a bit? Most definately. I may be a tool as well but at least I'm a quality tool.

Rainy Days

Today is rainy...again...and I'm totally okay with that. I actually prefer the rain most days. It makes me happy and meloncholy at the same time. I don't know that I would like to wake up every day to the sound of rain and never see sunlight streaming through my window but most days I like the rain. Some people freak out because it gets their clothes wet or makes their hair frizzy. It does the same to me but I don't freak out about it. It happens to be nothing more than water and I'm fairly certain it will dry. It's so calm and relaxing.

It's weird how a sound or a smell or a feeling can suddenly evoke emotions that you forgot existed or memories that were sitting dormant in some part of your mind or heart. That happens to me sometimes when it rains. I can see myself as a child looking out the window of my house waiting for the rain to stop. I remember the days when school was in session and we had to play inside because the rain prevented us from racing across the lawn. The smell of spring, that weird very familiar smell that reminds me that school is almost over, I can smell that on rainy days and suddenly it feels like I'm 9 years old, waiting for my mom after school. I remember smash rocks and ships across the ocean and tight rolled pants. My stomach gets all tight and knotted just like it did when I was a kid. Usually when those moments occur, I push them out of my mind. The good memories bring back those that are not so great and the happy emotions are followed by some that hurt. Maybe I shouldn't push them out of my mind but I don't like that insecure feeling, that tight stomach and sweaty hands. So I avoid it. I spend a few short moments thinking back and then push it out of my mind. Sometimes I tell myself that I'll think about it later and recently I've been telling myself that more than I care to admit. I don't like being a grown-up. It is something so foreign to me and I am required to make these decisions that are hard and life-changing and very meaningful. So instead of making a decision, I push it out and say, "I'll think about that tomorrow." Scarlett, Gone with the Wind...my enabler. I decide that I'll think about it when I'm ready, when I'm stronger, when I'm better able to handle the situation so I put it off as long as I can. It may not be healthy and it may not be the greatest idea but these days, more often than not, I feel like I'm doing all I can just to keep myself floating, emotionally, mentally. Sometimes I think I am strong and then I look at my situation and have to roll my eyes at myself. Sometimes I make myself sound like I am such a martyr and sometimes I actually convince myself that I am. But really, my life is easy...my burden is not so strenuous...my decisions, though tough and life altering at times, are not as burdensome as I make them seem. Why is it that people love drama? They want to have the hardest and the biggest and the most difficult problem. Rainy days make me think. Sometimes that's a good thing.

Accountant

Sometimes I have days when I wonder why I am not in a office, working in a cubicle, focusing on a computer screen, able to avoid all forms of human life for 8 hours a day. Why did I choose this profession where every piece of my day is surrounded by people and bombared with situations that require immediate attention? If I liked math at all, I would be an accountant. And I think for the first time in the history of me, I wish I liked math.

Childish Laziness

I applied for a part-time job and I'm starting to regret it. What if I actually get the job? I need some dollars but I don't want to sell my soul to get them.

I'm tired today. I was tired yesterday. So today, after work, I plan on going home and taking a nap. Sometimes I feel lazy when I do that but really my days of childish laziness are numbered so I might as well seize the day.

I think it's going to rain today and I left my windows opened at my house. I just didn't feel like shutting them. I think I'll make a terrible parent because sometimes I don't feel like doing very easy tasks...for example closing the windows or picking up my clothes. But once again, I'm still in the childish laziness stage so I might as well savor the taste.

I like to read postsecret. I'm not religious about it but I try to catch it every week. The secrets and the postcards always strike me. After I read it all, I start thinking in my mind about the people and I suddenly start examining those around me...wondering about their secrets and hoping they aren't wondering about mine. Some of the secrets are so true. I don't know if I could be that true to myself...let alone to devulge my secret to an entire audience of devoted readers. But I guess I do sometimes. I mean, that's what this blog is for and that's why very few people actually know I write this. I don't generally spill myself all over the place but we all have our moments of breakdown.

Now...after thinking...I really need a nap.

A Day in Review

It is almost painful to review the events of today but it is something that must be done for me to really fully understand what has transpired. I made a decision today about what to do with my life. I really had no choice but to make the decisio today. The District was pulling at me, my principal said, "Poop or get off the pot" and really I needed to make a decision for my sanity. However, after having made the decision, I am no more sane and no less worried. I decided to stay here. I called Mexico and they were still not sure if I would have a job down there...rather, if the government would let me have a job down there. The principal of the school recommended that I take the job here because it is a good deal. And with her recommendation I did. I thought I would feel settled or something. I thought I would feel relaxed but now, more than ever, questions are pelting my mind and making me more scared than ever. I will now be a classroom teacher and I'm not sure I'm ready but ready or not I've verbally committed to growing up and commanding the lives of a classroom of children. That scares the crap out of me. And I wonder if I really made the right decision. I wonder if God had something amazing for me in Mexico and I passed it up because it wasn't a sure thing. Am I lacking faith? Am I lacking a sure and strong belief in God? And then I think that God is not the author of doubts. One of my friends, possibly the most opposite of the typical Christian that could exist, told me that. And that calms my heart a little. One year of my life is no longer mine. Why didn't I choose a different profession where I could go in and out of jobs until I found the perfect one that I could die in? Why? I feel almost like I am in pain, in agony...like my heart is tearing...like I just broke up with a boy I think I might have loved and I see, feel the relationship slipping away. I wonder if I've made a terrible mistake but I've made my bed and now I have to lay in it. I think, maybe later. Maybe that's something that will happen later, when I'm ready, when other life events have happened and then I'll be even more happy and more thankful...but that doesn't heal the hurt or dry the tears at this moment. It's almost like I'm watching that boy drive away all over again and all I can do is stand and feel my body turning to jello. Strange...I know...but it's a heartache.
I should be happy. I saw an old professor in my building today and he asked about the status of my job search so I told him. He looked at me, almost completely mystified and said, "Why aren't you jumping?" but my heart can't feel happy. I feel like there is some weight holding me down. I want to be happy and I want to be excited but I'm grounded by something, by fear, by some sort of defeat, by hopes of things that will never happen now. I guess I partly feel defeated. I wanted Mexico so bad. I tried not to let myself get attached to the idea but I couldn't help it. And people say, "Well maybe next year after you've had some experience" and I look at them, wanting partly to scream and partly to cry. They don't understand that I had my heart set on it now. So today is over...or at least that part is. I'm going to an interview in 20 minutes for a part-time job and I don't know if I can do it. I don't know if I can sell myself when I feel so vulnerable. There is a concert of my favorite band today and I can't go. I can't hear them. I can't hear Mae because I'll remember the last time I heard them and I'll remember the last night and I think my heart will hurt all over again...and today...I can't handle that.
I hurt.

Preacher Man

So I got involved with this book study at church with all these ladies. I did it mostly so I could meet some people. I need practice making friends. So I've been going. And before I start telling my story, I'd like to say that I really do like some of these people. I really do like the church I've been attending, which is suprising and refreshing. Some of the people and some of the things they say, I feel, are completely misguided. But I hope, if anyone reads this, my story will not affect what they think of the church or of church people. Like all things in life there are some people who take things too far and there will always be people I don't agree with so listen to what I have to say but don't let this give you a proverbial "bad taste in your mouth" for all things religious. That's not the purpose. The purpose is to point out that some people are misguided and maybe, quite possibly, I am one of them.

So this book study has been okay. I don't agree with some of the things the ladies say and that's fine. I would hate it if I did agree all the time. Last night was the final book study session and randomly the topic of abortion came up. I knew, upon hearing the conversation start, I would hate every second of it. One girl, high schooler, was telling about a movie she and her child development class watched the other day. It graphically showed an abortion, or several abortions. The women at the study were mortified. They couldn't believe it. One of them went so far as to say that it was pro-abortion propaganda and such propaganda is infiltrating our school system. I think, if anything, it is anti-abortion propaganda. Who, after seeing a graphic abortion, will want one performed? I don't think such a movie or such a conversation can be termed pro- or anit- abortion. I think it is important to be informed and I don't think the teacher should be stoned for helping a class full of young women see a side of something that is very rarely discussed in an unbiased manner. And speaking of discussion, I would prefer that some topics never be addressed from the pupil or wherever it is that a preacher or pastor or leader stands. Recently I heard a pastor discuss abortion infront of his congregation...congregation that has been growing rapidly...and I am sure he does not know the situation of each person in the audience. He proceeded to talk about abortion and how wrong it is and I thought to myself, "If I had an abortion and I was sitting in the audience, I would walk out." You don't know the life story of every person and preaching against it from the pupil is wrong and poor judgement and using one's position to further a personal belief. I will not, in this piece of writing, take a stand on abortion but I WILL take a stand on how it is addressed and how it should be presented properly. I heard a girl say that she would NEVER have an abortion. She doesn't agree with it and she doesn't understand how a mother could do such a thing to her child. I refuse to align myself with such a blanket statement because you never know where that mother has been and until you are in her situation, you will not know what is going through her mind. So don't...ever...say you would never. Say you hope you won't because you don't know what lies ahead and you don't know what you are capable of if a situation arises. Don't use a blanket statement because when you do, you condemn everyone who is different from you. "I would never abort my child" is like saying "I can't believe you had an abortion." People in those situations probably feel bad enough and they don't need the church or religion or religious people throwing things at them, condemning them, quoting scripture and as a result driving them farther away. The people that I, that religious practitioners, should be reaching are being driven away because of careless and inconsiderate words.

I don't think the pulpit should be diluted by politics. I think the church should be above politics. I have heard people say "If you don't stand for anything, you will fall for everything" and I understand that statement but so many times it is used as a justification to support their political beliefs. It is their "STAND" and by being their "STAND" it automatically becomes the belief of a majority of the members of their congregation. Because things come from a man or woman of God, it seems that people automatically believe it comes from God and I think there is a difference. Stem-cell research should not be discussed. Nor should abortion, political affiliation, Presidential candidates. Those things do nothing but drive people further away from the Message that is being taught. Scientists look at the church as being full of blind idiots because of the stand that so many churches have taken on stem-cell research. And whether the stand is right or wrong is completely irrelevant. Because whatever stand is chosen drives one group of people away in an attempt to embrace the other, opposing, group. So...if you are a religious leader, leave your personal, political and in any way unBiblical stands or convictions at the door. I don't want to hear them. I go to church to hear about God who likes everyone even women who have had abortions and scientists who stand behind evolution. Why...WHY...can't you...preacher?

elixar

today i exist which should be enough to make me happy and excited but some days, like today, it's just not enough. i'm not happy...not sad...i just exist...and today i'm okay with that. i want to drive to the beach and listen to the waves crash against themselves, against the sand, against my feet. but there is no beach and today i don't think there is any solace, any quiet, for my screaming mind. sometimes i walk to the interstate and watch the cars drive by. it calms me or directs my thoughts or at least distracts me from the noise inside my head and my heart. today i'm not sure if rush hour traffic in a busy city would suffice. so i'm drinking coffee almost as if it is an elixer and trying to remember exactly what it is like to sit on a beach and watch the water. i can almost picture it, i can kind of hear it, i can almost feel the sun and some days the almost is sufficient...but not today.

"Relax."

There is this kid here at school...not one of my kids. Supposedly he's "regular" but those people that have termed him as such haven't seen him interact. He drives me crazy. I really don't like to be around him which is slightly inconvient for me because he seems to be everywhere I go causing some kind of trouble. People say it's a "title school thing" and I could not disagree more. He's a craphead because people let him be. So at the end of the school day he comes and hangs out with me while I wait for my kids to get on the bus. It usually takes about 10 minutes and those 10 minutes are enough to make me want to work at a desk job for the rest of my life. He's just so mouthy and belligerent and just so incredibly annoying. I dread the moments we have to spend together. Anyway so yesterday after a day that was not so amazing he proceeded to make it even worse. Talking all trash and really just being...very...um...whatever. He wasn't being cool. So I told him how it was and proceeded to walk away and in my mind, as well as to a nearby teacher, called him a slightly vulgar name. I feel bad about it and despite how easily this kid gets under my skin I was out of line. I feel almost like I should apologize to him eventhough he has no idea how frustrated he makes me. It makes me wonder if I'm cut out for this...working in a title school with low income, aggressive, belligerent children. I've been doing some serious internal examination and it seems I have issues with kids who don't show me respect. I can be just as mouthy and retort just as quickly as most of the students here. I'm afraid that unless I get control of that and maybe grow up a bit, it could turn into a problem. Not that I would ever cuss at a student or verbally abuse any of them. It's all in my mind. I get the attitude and even if I don't show it, it's not a good thing. I need to calmly reply with something that won't cause a verbal battle but with something that will lessen the situation. It's something I need to work on. So today I'm going to stand by the window again with the kid that drives me crazy and be nice. I'll lay out the rules and state the consequences if he fails to follow the rules and I hope he gets angry with me. Maybe, if I'm lucky, he'll even cuss at me but I have a plan. I'll smile and say, "I understand how you feel" and then I will skillfully and subtly help him follow the rules I've laid out. That's what good teachers do. They make you follow the rules and you don't even notice. I'm working on it and though this may sound strange, maybe someday I'll deserve to work in a title school. That's not something people strive for but I hope to someday, in the near future maybe, be ready to take it on with full force, without an attitude and with smiles that say things like, "Relax."

Reality Sucks

Yesterday I thought my life was in complete disarray. The interview, the stress at work, the finding of a part-time job, the looking for a house extravaganza. And then I heard about Virginia Tech and I realized I'm a complete idiot. Tragedies or losses or a just plain realistic moment really snaps me back and forces me to realize that, strangely enough, the world doesn't revolve around me and honestly people are going through worse things. I'm a pansy. I said yesterday that I wish my biggest problem would be that I had a crush on some random guy. I wish my biggest problem was trying to corral my thoughts and banish those dealing with a guy. And then I think that some people really wish their biggest problem would be trying to find a house or a job...both of which are, if totally necessary, in ready supply. But instead they're dealing with having to bear the child of an unknown father or they are suffering the loss of their mother or brother or best friend. Maybe they have just realized that the husband of 23 years is cheating or a wife of 43 years has cancer. And I think they would kill for my thoughts. I think they would look at me, sigh, and walk away because words couldn't express what they would be feeling toward me. I sometimes look at me, sigh, and wish I could walk away but I'm attached to myself and I sometimes, most of the time, think that my problems are the most severe. I have issues I'm dealing with...important issues that will, in all honesty, affect the rest of my life. But really, things could be worse and being the selfish human that I am, I often forget that. These moments of reality suck. I wonder what could occur in the mind of someone, what kind of anger or frustration or emotional turmoil could really occur in the being of one person that said person snaps, grabs a couple guns, some clips and a jacket, walks out the door and wreaks havoc on people, some random, some acquaintances, some friends. Who is capable and does the crime choose the person or does the person choose the crime? Are some people just destined to be more...angry...or have a shorter fuse? Could I be capable of such an action? Maybe...I don't know. Would I really know until such a moment arrives? I've been angry and I like to think that I couldn't commit such a crime. I can barely go dumpster diving without feeling scandalous and rebellious. But really, what goes into the composition of person, what life experiences, what genes, what family situation, can create such a person and is there a child at this school that could commit the same action? As a teacher sometimes I think about things like that. What would it be like to have been the 5th grade teacher for that student, now a criminal. I would feel so helpless and so terrible...wishing I would have said something or done something or made the kid different in some way. And maybe I tried but I would kick myself for not trying hard enough. I would cry alot. Reality really does suck and in moments like these when true reality hits me in the face, often via the tv or the newspaper, it makes me hate reality tv more than I already do. Those shows, such a stupid waste of time, are not reality and it would be ludicrous to call it such. Real reality wouldn't be taped, it wouldn't be broadcast and if it were, it wouldn't air for long because real reality sucks.

4:00 Nap Time

I do not, at all, enjoy this interview extravaganza. I have been called back for a second interview, a more intense, one on one interview with the head guy and it's not something i want to go through. my hair doesn't look as good, my clothes aren't as impressive and from the day thus far, it hasn't been spectacular. I just want to not fall all over my words. I don't like interviewing. It's too much, to hard on the nerves. We had art today and I'm wearing a white shirt. That was a smooth move. I doubt the head guy would appreciate me using my kids as an excuse for my lack of preparation. I am good though and I will do well. I don't like that everyone knows I'm interviewing today but it's kinda hard to hide it since I had to dress nicely and couldn't wear my cool tennis shoes today. Whatever...right? I mean, really, whatever. I'll get a job, if not here then somewhere else. And I'll make money, if not through this district than through somewhere else. I'm wearing flamingo socks and that should count for something. I'm more nervous today though...not as confident and completely without reason because I am good and I can answer the questions and I can make myself look like the MacDaddy of teaching. Or MacMomma...but that doesn't sound as cool or as smooth. I don't think Principal is pulling for me. I don't think she could be less excited for me if she tried...and since she's not even trying, her lack of enthusiasm is a big accomplishment. She gets more excited about what I eat for lunch than she has been about my interviewing. No words of wisdom, nothing to pass on, just a "Oh you'll do fine" as I walked through the office. And that's okay. We're not really tight or friends or anything. She's a nice lady. She's young. Friendly. But we're not tight. Maybe because I don't suck up to her. And I don't need to. Well, I guess I need to but I don't want to. So I'll go in there and try my best to answer all the questions that are thrown at me. Jim Faye for classroom management. I was a paralegal major but switched to education when I started working with kids through campus groups. Work out problems without dragging others into the middle. All children should have the opportunity to learn and through learning have the opportunity to fail because failure breeds growth and helping make strong, knowledgable, productive citizens is what teaching is all about. Children can succeed when given enough scaffolding. Teachers need to continually learn too. I know the answers. I just hope I can get them out when I need to. *sigh* I'm totally taking a nap tonight.

Kids need friends

Right now I'm eating soy nuts. I'm really hungry and obviously very desperate. I'm glad to know that they are in fact peanut free but they also taste very peanut free. I like them. I think they're very interesting and they are very healthy but I don't know that would or could eat them for every meal. I realize they are healthy and wholesome and, in a strange way, slightly delicious. And maybe that's why I don't like them as much as I should, or possibly could, if I allowed myself to do so. It's weird how in life it's more fun to do the things you shouldn't do. I think it's funny how people love to tell stories about how they got drunk and did dumb stuff. It's weird because most of the stories involve them being minors and indulging in slightly illegal activities. I'm not sure if that makes the stories more interesting. Maybe I'm just messed up like that. Really though the best stories, the stories people love to tell, are the ones where they are doing something risky or scandalous. I don't know how I arrived at that point when I started at soy nuts. I think it's funny and I look at it in a completely different light now that I am in the shoes of a teacher. Kids are weird and when they're doing something wrong, they automatically look at the teacher. Watch them...or watch yourself. You will do it. If you're talking in class, you'll probably glance at the teacher to see if he or she is watching. If you're passing a cop on the road, you'll probably glance over to see if he or she realizes you're speeding. If you're taking a little more sugar at starbucks than necessary, you'll probably glance up at the barista to see if you are being watched. And in that glance, you just gave yourself away. When kids feel guilty about something or they know they're doing something wrong, they can't help but check to see if they're getting caught and in that moment of weakness, they give themselves away. It's strange and funny and weird because I realize I do the exact same thing. The more I am around these kids, the more I realize that I'm not so much different than them. When people tell me what to do, I rebel. So sometimes it's hard to discipline a kid when I know, in that situation, I would have acted no differently.
There is this teacher here...complete jerk. She kicked a kid out of class yesterday and sent him to my room. I guess it was meant to be demeaning and terrible but I felt sorry for the kid. I'm sure he was out of line but with that teacher, she pushes and yells and she's just plain mean. I wouldn't like her, I don't really like her either and I could understand why the kid probably got into trouble. It was partly him and partly her. So I chose to blame her. When he was sent out of the room, he looked totally hurt...like he was a small puppy and someone had just hit him on the nose. Maybe it was wrong to feel sorry for him but I still give into emotions of sympathy. I guess I haven't been teaching long enough. So he chilled out in the room until it was time to go and when I left, I told him good-bye. I was just thinking that I don't know what kind of family the kid has. It could be a good family but more likely, it is a crappy family. His anger probably stems from some home issues and who am I to kick him while he is down. So I know his name and I smile at him. I'm sure it does nothing for his self-esteem and he'll probably end up thinking I'm hitting on him or something weird like that. But eventhough I'm a teacher, I think these kids, maybe more than anyone else, they need a friend.

Walk the Line

Today is a good day. Nothing spectacular has happened yet but still...it's a good day. You see, I'm wearing bright green pants with an amazingly pink shirt and I feel amazing. My feet hurt because I'm wearing terrible shoes but honestly, I'm a show stopper at this moment. The teachers are all looking at me, either out of envy or out of disgust. I'm going to go with envy. Seriously though...green and pink? Very impressive. If I had a clone I would take a picture of myself but without a clone, or a friend to stand and take a picture, I can do nothing but cherish this outfit in my mind.

I decided today that I don't want to hang out with crappy people. This teacher chick came in this morning ranting about something that happened at school yesterday. I'll give it to her...it was kinda crappy...but at that moment, in between her angry breaths, I decided I don't want to hang out with her. I'll say hello and be cordial but she's such a downer. She's always pissed off about something or someone just screwed her over. She has a baby and I feel sorry for her child. I hope her child doesn't grow up the same way with the same attitude, totally negative about the world. The world sucks...it's true. But the thing is, even if you complain about it, it doesn't do a single bit of good. Sometimes complaining and releasing your frustration is very necessary. Friends are the people that listen to those times. But to always have a negative view of the world and to always be looking critically at those people around you? I don't want to live like that. Call me naive, call me idealistic, call me ridiculous. It seems like there is a fine line seperating most things in life. A fine line between helping and being pushy, being confident and cocky, being friendly and over-friendly. I think that is the case with the "world view," for lack of a better term. There are some terms that I have grown to hate because they have been overused and generally overused in the most terrible of situations by the most terrible of speakers and people. I would like my view of the world to be balanced. I think it would be ridiculous to see only or mostly the bad. I think it would be ignorant to see only or mostly the good. There needs to be a balance and how one, like myself, can achieve such a balance is something I don't understand. I think people who are like me, people who see both sides of the street and are able to see both views, are often considered "wishy-washy" and that is most definately not the case. It does make decision-making decidedly harder.

And as I'm sitting here thinking about life and trying to come up with a plan to accurately execute my life, not on one side of the street or on the other, I see on a nearby phone that there is an extention to the boiler room. Strange.

end of day *sigh*

this day is over and i am happy about that. one time, a couple years ago, i told myself that i would never wish my days away and i would never let them end in havoc. i decided i wanted to cherish them. today is not so much a day i want to cherish. it was good and everything went well. i just feel out of breath. it was a day when everything kept coming and i took everything in stride but it was relentless. so, i guess i'm glad it's over. the interview went well. it was hot in there and i was sweating alot. i think i did okay. my answers sometimes were off and i knew that. some of the questions they asked and the scenarios were just so...long...or random and by the time i finished answering i had totally forgot the question. not a good sign. i'm okay with it though. i'm mostly glad it's over. it didn't last long. i met with 5 different principals and they all asked me questions. the questions seemed pretty much the same but i hope i amused them with my redundancy. if nothing else, i amused myself. i'm glad to have the experience. it was good experience interviewing. i can't say that i don't want a job offer because i honestly do. i can't say that i would accept a position here because i honestly don't know. i think i'll just worry about that bridge when it comes time to cross. there is no reason to consider issues that are, currently, not even issues. AND i handled my class today by myself. teacher went home with a headache and the useless girl left for a college class. i was okay with that and i think i handled it relatively well. i can't say that i would be okay with doing that every day because it was crazy trying to get kids on the bus and with the mom and blah. i did it though. i can do things. i think i'm okay. you know, i guess, whatev. that's kinda my thing these days...whatev. so thanks for listening to me today. i appreciate it.

nervous typing.

interview today...no time for proper punctuation. i have this terrible fear that i will forget or not realize the time and i will accidentally skip it. that would be terrible. when i look at the clock, my heart starts racing and i feel like i will explode. i can only do my best and i realize that. my portfolio looks amazing. i don't know how i could do it any better. i look good today. it took me forever to do my hair and pick out my clothes. i chose pink and brown. it looks good on me, i think. and i guess if i think i look good, that's really what matters. it's all about confidence and blah blah blah. it's alot easier to be confident when people aren't glaring at you trying to stump you on questions. i decided not to practice the routine because in the end i just end up messing it up and looking like a tool. i should have, however, remembered to bring extra clothes because i'm sure i will sweat through all 3 laters. what can i say? i'm sweater! it's not something i'm proud of. i have this whole, "whatever happens" attitude and i like it. it's the delay, the waiting, the not being able to move on until this is over, deal that really frustrates me. i have kids to take care of here and i would much rather be here, despite their craziness today, than there. i'll do it though. i'll jump through the hoops and answer questions and try my hardest to BS under pressure. if i don't let it get to me then i'll be okay. so yeah, i'll just do the best i can and whatever will happen will just...happen. i just hope i'm okay with the outcome. i think i'll have issues either way. see...this is what i do...i create problems that don't even exist yet! why? i can worry about what i'll do when i get the job...a job...any job. so i'll dominate because i'm wearing pink and brown, not black and gold. my socks don't really match but that's kinda my thing. exuding confidence? i'll work on that. i need to listen to some power music on my way before i walk in and rock the place out homie. that's me getting myself pumped up. sorry this blog doesn't make sense. i'm typing out of nervousness. i have an hour and with all the people that know me in this district and i can't just skip out on in. i hope my eye doesn't start twitching and i hope i don't say words like suck or crap. apparently that's unprofessional...whatever THAT means. remember when we were kids and interviews were not even in our vocabulary? oh how good were those days. i worried about what i was going to have for lunch and if my t-shirt was big enough and if my mom would let me wear shorts after school. THOSE were the days. and sometime soon i'll probably be looking back, thinking of this blog and of my un-eternally important interview and thinking to myself, "Ah, THOSE were the days." I've decided life is like a cycle, a big cycle, always wanting what you don't have and having things you don't want until you don't have them anymore. life is weird but as weird as it is, i don't want to quit it...not just yet. so rock on interviewer. i'll be amazing. i'm wearing pink and brown. and my socks don't match. this, my friend, is me.

Bird dog

So...I'm back in the state now. I took a trip to Colorado for "Spring Break," which I think should have been called Spring Blip...meaning it was very, very short. It was a good trip. It was really nice to get away for a bit. Something about leaving the state makes all my worries and problems seem so small and so far away. It was great. My eye even stopped twitching while we were out there which tells me that the problem is related to nerves for real. I got a massage and a pedicure and facial. I thought I would feel really girly and cute but I actually felt blotchy and awkward. It was a good experience though. The massage was amazing. AND I got my eyebrows waxed. Remind me not to do that again.

I was disappointed because I didn't get a chance to see the mountians...really SEE the mountains. I think they're the best part about Colorado. During the vacation, the weather was all snowy and cold and foggy and unmountainless. The last night the clouds finally broke and I could see the mountains. It was so great. They really are so beautiful and full of all kinds of splendor. There is something about Colorado and the mountains that makes my heart happy. Maybe it's because they're so strange and not a part of the geography of this area. Maybe I just like to imagine how they were made and that part alone blows my mind. Tectonic plates, evolution, God...whatever you believe...the mountains are amazing.

So while I was there I did some thinking, eventhough I tried to hold it at bay. This, coming up, is a weird analogy but it really did describe how I felt. I kinda felt like a bird dog, the kind that chases after birds that fly around and scares them up for the hunter to shoot. Weird right? Well, it seems like I've been crouching in the grass watching this bird fly around. I can't scare it and the hunter is not paying any attention. I've been chasing it forever...for days or something...and I'm tired of it...of the bird...of having to watch it...of trying to get the attention of the hunter. I'm finally becoming okay with watching the bird...only watching it. It's not a big deal anymore. But then I saw this new bird...nice looking bird, very good to scare and I'm sure the hunter would be proud. So now I have this other bird flying around over my head and all I can do is watch it, live with it, become okay with not being able to scare it or take it down. I have to get over it or something. It is very frustrating for me as a dog. I feel helpless. I don't have wings. I can't just go up and get it. I have to wait for it and THAT is the annoying part. Bird dogs are a bit rash so waiting is not really my forte. Strange analogy, I realize, but very true to me at this moment. Besides, who else would actually compare him/herself to a bird dog?

A Letter from the Editor

I decided this morning that I would like to be the editor of a newspaper. I don't know that I would be good at the job. I think there are many parts that I would hate and probably even dread. I would, however, like to write editorials. I don't think my editorials would make a lot of friends and that might bother me a little but I don't think it would make me tone it down. This morning before school the news was on and it made me sad. More about the soldiers in Iraq, more about the devastating state of our country, more about politics and shootings and very little about hope. I don't like the news. I understand the importance of the news and I do, at times, like being informed. Specifically, it is the television news that I don't like. I don't like to see the pictures of the fallen soldiers. I don't like to see the dead bodies strewn in the streets. I don't like to see little kids with AIDS wandering around. The reason I don't like to see those things is not because I think it is distasteful to show them on tv. I don't like seeing them so regularly on the news because I become almost immune to the pictures. It evokes no emotion from me. I become so apathetic because I see it so regularly. A fallen soldier becomes just another situation and not so much a person. It feels so very far away and distant from me. It becomes almost as if they didn't exist. It doesn't hurt my heart anymore. It doesn't bring tears to my eyes these days. I can blame a lot of things for my feelings, or my lack thereof, and mostly I blame myself for letting those things, those people, those situations, become distant from me...become in some form abstract and in some way almost meaningless. But also, I blame the media. I understand that people want to know things all the time. They want to know what's going on. Our society is so obsessed with being "informed." But sometimes, in some situations, these things seem so overcovered and talked about so regularly that it almost becomes as casual as cereal for breakfast. I think there is a fine line between adequately covering a subject and overcovering a subject and I think various news venues cross the line on a regular basis. It is sad that I care more about the weather in my city and very little about the fallen soldiers, the hurt citizens of Iraq, the AIDS crises ravaging Africa. It's my fault. And it's my fault for staying this way. I guess it's not fair to blame anyone or anything else...even the media.

The Call

I just got a call...from the District. Apparently I'm in for an interview. I should be happy, elated even. I'm not. I'm more nervous and full of dread. I think the only reason they called me is because they have been hounded by people that know me. My principal talked to some people, a teacher I work with, the big boss downtown. I guess it's good that I have friends. I should be happy about that...that people like me enough to try to get me an interview. I'm not happy about that though. Well, I am a little. But I wanted to be good enough to get a job by myself. Does that make sense? These people putting in a good word and blah blah, it makes me feel like I have some sort of deficiency or that I'm seriously lacking in some area. It's dumb because I should be happy and...I'm not.
To be quite honest, I didn't want a call back. I was okay with not getting one. Well, I wasn't okay with it but I was living well. I don't want to work here in this town. I'd rather have another job, my dream...my heart...job. But I don't know if it will come through. It's what I can see myself doing but maybe it's not what I need to do right now. I consider myself a spiritual person and as corny as it sounds and as lame many may think I am, I want to make a decision that is cool with God. And I think if God were to say to me, "Stay in this town," I might, possibly, write it off. I wonder if I really want what God wants me to do or if I want what I want God to want me to do. Confusing...I realize that. I would have preferred to not have this option, to not have to interview and not have that confusion. Obviously I'm making an issue out of something that doesn't even exist yet. They haven't offered me a job and after the interview, I wonder if they will. The interviews for this District are hardcore. It's a series of interviews by several different principals, all of which are intent on giving the candidates ulcers. Not fun. So I drank coffee and now my stomach is even more angry with nerves than it was before. I just want to do what is good and right and what God wants me to do. You'd think I'd be all about talking to Him then, right? I mean, if I want an answer shouldn't I get as close as possible to the source? But I can't. Or it feels too hard. Or I get distracted. And that makes me think that if I were to get the other job, the far away job, I don't know if I could handle it. I can't concentrate, I can't focus on God in this country, where I am, living all comfortable and happy. How could I when I live in a strange place, full of strange people speaking a strange language? Would I even be ready for that?

periodically repeated phenomena

I've decided that there is something in the very fiber, the very core of a plan that prevents it from working. The plan could be made of the best intentions and could be full of pure motives but something in its very essence will prevent it from being brought to fruitioni. I have realized this because I make plans sometimes and when I do, they don't work. They are well-intentioned and they play out perfectly in my mind but th emoment my plan should be set into motion, something fails...either my plan or me. If I were placing money I would bet that I am the one who fails. But my plan can seem so perfect. In my mind I can see the motion picture and the ending is happy, almost lovely. It can't be me who fails all the time...right? I think something in the very core of my being, my human, selfish, fleshly being, begs me to scrwe up, begs me to abandon my plan. After all, am only human. I justify things, especially things that should not be justified. And through this process of justifying and self-talking, my plan, my thoroughly well-created, well-intentioned plan, fails miserably and I find myself once again at the same point. It is a cycle, "a single complete execution of a periodically repeated phenomenon." I think God must be very tired of me and my "periodically repeated phenomenon" or my phenomena. He must think to Himself that I was a waste of time, a waste of blood, a waste of dirt. I think He must think that because I think that. But then I realize, for the 19th time, that He is not me...and yet He understands me and my failures and my cycles and my periodically repeated phenomena. He no more approves of them than I approve of eating chocolate for breakfast. The thought disgusts me...and likewise I think the thought of my failures, my cycles, repulses Him. But I guess He sees past those things, the foiled plans and the broken promises. I don't understand how He can see past them when I have trouble with that. He does though...and He does a lot of things that I don't understand and I can't do. That's kinda how He works...and I am glad.