My dream

I think I'm one of the very few but I really like this weather...the rainy part where it's always cloudy and sometimes it smells like dead fish outside. I like it. It's kinda beautiful. My favorite part is the lite rain and the cool breeze. If these windows had curtains, they'd be blowing a little, more like swaying. The curtains would be swaying with the breeze. I can hear the car going by on the street. It sounds like they're in a hurry and I wonder why. What is so important to them? Would it change if they realized today could be their last day? I think this weather is relaxing. Maybe I just like it because it makes me feel all meloncholy and sometimes that suits me well. Today is suits me well. I wish I wasn't at work. If I was at home I might go outside and sit on the little cement slab and watch the cars go by. I like to wonder about the cars and their drivers. I like to wonder what they're thinking and who they're going home to and why they sometimes drive through the stop sign without stopping. Some of them are very intent and I just wonder why. What exactly is going on in their lives? Do they honestly think that leaving black marks is going to impress anyone? How is it that they're 18 and they have a better car than I would ever dream of owning? Are they thankful for it or did they get it from their parents? Sometimes I wonder if the drivers smoke. It's a ridiculous thought. Honestly, it doesn't matter if they do. I just wonder about things. I wonder if the drivers see me sitting there. Maybe they're trying not to notice me or trying not to look. Maybe they're too wrapped up in memories or thoughts or personal problems to see anything other than their own thoughts. And that's okay because I'm like that too.

I had a dream last night which is fairly unusual. It was so weird because when I woke up it felt real. The feelings I felt lasted after the dream, the heartbreak, the hurt, the embarrassment. I don't remember alot of my dreams but this one has stuck with me all day. This is the real life part...There is this guy from high school. I had a crush on him and I was convinced that we would have made the perfect pair. He was quiet but popular...smart and funny and I thought he was a major looker. I wanted nothing more than to date this guy. So yesterday I'm sitting at school and I overheard this lady, a teacher that moved away but was back in town visiting friends at my school, talking about going home...to my town. Turns out her brother is my long-lost high school crush. We didn't chat. I didn't feel like it and she had more important things to talk about, like the wallpaper in her kitchen. It just brought back all these things, all these memories. I felt, for one very fragile moment, that I was back in high school. I turned to the window in the teacher's lounge and just stared...almost able to see myself on my last day of high school, sitting in the parking lot with high school crush driving out the driveway. That was it...the end of the real life part. So yesterday I thought about high school...and apparently last night I thought about it too. I had a dream that I saw him in a store, a hardware store. I didn't know what to say to him. Apparently we dated and I cheated on him with his best friend. The relationship didn't end well. He still hated me but he got over the heartache and was married to this girl named Lindy. I saw him in the hardware store and didn't know what to say. I remember feeling like I had just swallowed my heart. I couldn't talk. All I could do was look in agony and embarrassment as I remembered my actions. It was a terrible feeling. I had to walk away because I felt so terrible. And after I walked away, I felt even worse because I couldn't talk to him. So I forced myself to walk over to him and say something, anything. After that, I drove away feeling so sad and embarrassed that I could ever cause someone the pain I caused him. I woke up feeling the same emotions I felt in the dream. It was strange because the situation, a similar situation, happened in my real life and I thought to myself, "I wanted him to like me for so long but in reality I would have ended up messing up the relationship. That's what I do. I was immature and I still am in many ways. I think I'm glad we never dated. I wouldn't have wanted to hurt someone else. I think I've caused enough damage in my time." Sometimes I think it's better to let dreams be dreams and for me the dream of dating him throughout high school was better left a dream. Some people say you should live with no regrets but I think, in some situations, living with the regrets of unfulfilled dreams turns us into the people we need to become. It makes us passionate. Thanks for listening to my dream.

A day in the life...

MAP testing started today. For anyone who is unfamiliar with the world of education, the MAP test is quite possibly the most important event of the year. School districts start pushing its importance from the beginning of the school year. The major push begins in October and lasts until the end of March, which is when the tests begin. This district is hard core about the test. There are MAP police wandering around the district today making sure no one is breaking the rules. It's ridiculous. MAP police? It's all about standing. The tests are compared with the tests from other schools and it's all about being the best school. I understand the principle behind the test...to provide an equal education to all students, despite background, location, income, race. The sad thing is that not all schools are equal and there isn't much one can do about it. Some students will do better on the test. They're motivated internally and they just want to do good. Other kids, the kids here, don't care. Give them money and they might care. Maybe. They're not equal. They're dealing with the divorce of their parents or they can't get enough sleep because they're taking care of their brothers and sisters or cooking meals. They don't have time to worry about a test. Not that such a situation couldn't happen at a high end school but here at this title school things like an important test don't matter so much. I understand that. It makes me sad but I understand that. The test scores are a reflection of the teacher and if the teacher has bad MAP scores, they get looks...bad looks...from the principal and the district. It has been blown so far out of proportion that it is completely ridiculous. It's a situation where you see a problem but there is absolutely nothing you can do to fix it and that is the most frustration thing of all. Letters to a congressman? Probably not going to make a difference. What if a school said, "Screw it. We're not giving into this hype. The kids will do as well as they do but we won't pressure them, we won't bribe them. We won't let it dictate the education of our children, our students." What if a school did that? I'd love to see it. I'd work in that school...not because I'm lazy and don't want to emphasize the test but because I honestly believe in that cause. It's frustrating. The one good thing about MAP testing? The donuts. :)
I talked to Burg last night. It was a good conversation...too long. I'm sure he's tired today and that makes me feel a little bad. I enjoy talking to him. I can always learn something about something. And it's just a fun, easy-flowing conversation. Last night we talked about the old times and it was fun...funny...refreshing...sad. It made me nostalgic. We don't usually talk about those days or specific situations. We never talk about when we dated and that is just fine with me. I don't want those memories because I think if I thought about it too much it would hurt me a little. I went to bed last night after our conversation and thought about what life would be like if we hadn't broke it off before he left. I decided that I didn't even want to think about it...not because it made me sad but actually because I don't think I would have liked the outcome. I'm glad things are the way the are...mostly glad at least. He's happy, very happy. And I'm cool with it too. I'd rather have him as my friend than as nothing at all and we're good friends so I'm okay with it. Things are better this way and it's taken me awhile to realize that. Part of me might want it to be different but most of me is okay with things right now, the way they are. Don't get me wrong...I miss him. That's life though. You work through it. You grow from it. And I think I have.

The world smells like worms

I'm sitting here trying to look for jobs. At least that's what I was doing. I just can't seem to do it. Nothing really jumps out at me and all the things that seem to spark my interest are totally impractical. Professional proof-reading for example. I'd love to do it. I would probably get tired of it...but for a short amount of time I would love it. I like reading and I'm good at catching mistakes, at least in what other people write. Not practical. Honestly, I'm tired of thinking about it...and by it I mean my future. It's just too much, too overwhelming. Can't I just chill out and let life happen to me? Also, not practical. Today is a little better than yesterday. My attitude is better, at least for the time being. I don't know when my car will go crazy next. That's a little unnerving. I'm dealing though. I don't have as much patience as I should and my eye keeps twitching. I just wish I could sit outside for a little while. Maybe I'll do that on my lunch break. I'd get some crazy looks from the other teachers. They just don't get me. The birds are happy today. I'm hoping it will rub off. The sad thing is that it smells like dead fish outside. It's been raining and now the sun is starting to peek out. So it's muggy. And it has that weird worm/fish smell that sometimes occurs after a good rain. Not appealing. I don't really mind the smell but I would mind smelling like the smell. Eh, es la vida.

Bad Day

Bad day today...brief overview?
broken car...tow truck...lots of money that I don't have any more...available mechanic that won't screw me over?...not within three counties...new car sucks...weird neighbors...asked me out...i turned him down...thought i was a lesbian...lesbian?...no...borrowed roomates car to get to work...my ego and my pride took a huge hit there...kids are crazy at work...trip to the nurse with a kid...attitudes...i don't want to be here...broken car...lots of money...today sucks...it's monday...and it's only 10:00. i'm done...with this...crap. angry. i'm so angry and disappointed. having a broken car really makes me sad. i got a new car because the old one would break down constantly...almost once every 2 months. so there we were in kansas city, car smoking, orange fluid all over the ground with every mechanic shop closed. i cried. i don't cry alot especially about things like that. generally i suck it up and just get it taken care of. i had to cry. my heart hurt, i had this sinking feeling. i just had to cry. the pressure of yesterday, it was too much for me. my arms started breaking out, there were tears. no fun

And now I have excema...

Now I have excema. I get excema when I get really nervous or scared or worked up about something. It flares up and my arms and legs and neck and stomach and entire body turn into a raw, itchy itch that just can't be scratched enough. Needless to say I'm very nervous or scared or worked up about something because I itch more than ever. It's this job thing and finding a house thing and the pressure and the people asking me. It's all that and it makes me go crazy...or at least it makes me itch. Nothing feels right...not that I base everything in my life on whether it feels right. That would be foolish. But really, nothing gets my attention, nothing strikes me. And honestly I'm tired of applying for jobs that I don't want just to see if I'll get a call back. I decided, at least for now, that if I don't want the job then I simply won't apply. Maybe it'll save me something...some time or some stress or some heartbreak when they don't call me back. I go through these spurts where I'm totally excited and confident and motivated. Then I switch to being depressed and not feeling good enough and not knowing what to do. I feel so bipolar but really I think it's just the weird emotions I have going on. Or maybe it's the excema. Maybe the itchy skin is messing with my hormones. Doubtful but I a girl can dream.
I did, finally, get my teaching certificate in the mail. I thought that bad boy was never going to come. I'm thankful it finally did because now I feel like I'm a real teacher. Strange, isn't it, how one piece of paper can change my perception about myself? I've been waiting so long and I was so excited to tell someone but I didn't know who to tell. It was very exciting to receive my long awaited paper. I had my own little party in my house, me and the plants. Not exactly exciting. I called my roomate and my parents. I couldn't think of anyone else who would care, really care, or understand, really understand, what that piece of paper meant to me. I'm not even sure my parents or my roomate did understand. I could think of a couple other people to call but I guess I just thought that non-education people wouldn't get it. Maybe they would have. Maybe I'm a bad friend for not calling. I can't explain how I felt. So excited. Like I could start my life now, my teaching career. Then I talked to an idiot today who made me feel silly for even entering the education field. We are friends, and I use the term friends very loosely. I don't like him for the most part. I don't know why I call or why he calls. I end up getting angry at him and he ends up making me feel bad about myself, something he's very good at. I feel bad for him, actually. He'd kill me if he knew that. I've known him for years, since freshman year. He's seem me go through some crappy stuff and I've seen him on some bad and sad days. I saw him become a Christian and then I saw him deny it all. I've seen him happy and I've seen him terribly hurt and bitter. He's kinda stayed in the hurt and bitter stage, not that I haven't visited him there. I guess I feel partly responsible for his turn from Christianity. I guess I feel like I need to be present in his life to provid him with some sort of God-like something. Not that I am God-like. I'm very much not even close. I just feel responsible for him and for his soul. But instead of me helping him or showing him anything or trying to keep him from rejecting God and religion and Christianity and Jesus, he makes me feel bad about my beliefs. He tears me apart, my beliefs, my thoughts, the things I care about. I can walk away from him after talking or visiting and hope that we don't talk again, for years. It's my sense of responsibility for him that draws me back into the cycle, as dangerous as it may be. After talking to him came my large excema extravaganza. I think he just stresses me out. I can handle people not accepting what I believe or say or think. I can handle those things. And generally I can handle people tearing me down. I've gotten good at that over the years. He just, he hurts my heart. So I go back for more. I think I understand, in a very very small sense why the abused woman goes back to the abuser. Maybe she feels responsible for how he acts, maybe she just wants to help him because she knows he is a good person. She wants to fix him or at least try. That's how I feel about this jerk. And that is a terribly frightening realization.

People don't get me

I've decided, officially, that people just don't get me. They don't get the whole gnome thing. They don't understand my views. They don't get why I think the things I do. They don't realize that to me, I make total sense. I'm part of this book study. Sometimes I really like it. Sometimes not so much. I joined it to make friends...to practice making friends...to try to find someone I could admire. It's full of these ladies, 30's, 40s, with kids and families and husbands they try so hard to please. It's awkward for me. I like it sometimes because they make me laugh. I like older people sometimes. Some of them have this great wisdom to share. Some of them are just ridiculous. My goal has been to talk at each of the book study sessions. It's kinda my way of forcing me out of my comfort zone and making me talk to strangers about things that are important to me. I've done good. I've talked each time...usually just saying something kinda meaningless so they know I exist. Last night I was feeling weird and not my normal self. We read this thing on anger. I don't think I really have a huge struggle with anger. I'm typically very passive, at least verbally passive. So the ladies asked me if I am slow to anger or if I get angry quickly. I said that typically i'm slow to anger, almost too slow to anger. They all looked at me like I just smoked crack or dropped a naughty word. I think it's possible to be too slow to anger...so slow, in fact, that people step on you and push you around. I am that person. I get stepped on. When someone screws me over, I generally take it. I justify their actions by saying things like, "They didn't really mrean it," or "Maybe they're just having a bad day," or "I don't know what's going on in their life so I'm not going to hate on them." I say these things to myself and let issues go. It's true. It can be a good thing. I usually don't get worked up about issues and if I do, I let it go fairly quickly, in most cases. But there are times when I need to be angry, when I get screwed, when people abuse my kindness or take advantage of me or in situations where I need to defend people or things or beliefs. But I take it. I don't get mad. I let it go. And maybe I should get mad...more than I do. I think I don't get mad enough, I think I don't stick up for myself or for the things I love and care about enough. I think I'm too slow to anger. I got about two sentences of that whole rant out and realized they didn't understand, they wouldn't understand so I shut up almost midsentence. No one gets me. No one understands what I think or why I talk the way I do or why I don't have a problem saying "suck." It's a word. A WORD. What is the issue? I think people have too many issues, too many things to be upset about, too much drama. People don't get me. They think I'm young or immature or from a different generation. Maybe those things. I think some people assume these things are things I'll grow out of. Maybe. I hope not. Growing up is highly overrated.

8 hours of sleep would make the world a happy place

I am incredibly tired today. If I could I would fold out that little superman couch and take a little nap. It might look kind of weird...and my nap would probably only be about 4 minutes. It makes me wonder how I functioned in college. I would go to be at 1:00 or 2:00 and get up at 6:00 or 7:00. I'm not sure how I actually functioned. Now I need every bit of my 8 hours of sleep. Last night I didn't get that. Thus...I'm tired...and grumpy...and my patience is not incredibly sufficient. All of those things, when mixed with the classroom of my kids, doesn't make the recipe for a lovely day. Coupled with the fact that parent-teacher conferences are tonight until late and the hot PE sub isn't even here today. I want to go home and crawl into bed. It's so cozy. Fleece sheets. Plenty of pillows. Electric blanket. *sigh* I would give someone 5 dollars to let me go home. Or 5 dollars to buy me some coffee. I'm just not on my A game. In college, this one semester, I don't think I was ever well-rested. I was hanging out with this kid and we would stay up ridiculously late and get up ridiculously early. One time there was a trampoline in my yard so we stayed out there until we saw the sunrise and 6:00 and then we parted ways. He had an 8:00 test and I think I had a paper due. How I passed that semester and how he graduated completely baffles me. I'm not young anymore, apparently. Thankfully it's only a half day. Unfortunately instead of hanging with the kids I will then be hanging with the parents. Can't a girl get a break these days??

High heels hurt more than my feet

I decided today that all my best thoughts, all my genius ideas, all my great writing inspirations come either in the car or in the bathroom. I'm not sure why. Maybe because when I'm in those places I'm in "The Zone," meaning I know what I'm there to do so I get it done. I don't have to think about what I'm doing. It comes naturally. Here at work things don't come naturally...maybe slightly naturally. Obviously I don't encourage the kids to pick their noses or write on things with markers. That stuff is common sense. Getting the kids to calm down or focus or listen...those things don't come exactly naturally to me. It hard. You might not think it's hard...but really it is. You can't actually make someone do something they don't want to do. You pretty much just have to annoy them until they get it done. You CAN force a kid...YOU can. I don't. I won't. I hate it. It hurts me. So I annoy them until I get my way. It works...usually...with most of them. And I'm fairly determined. But then again, they are too.
I have great ideas...great things that I could write about...but I get those ideas in the bathroom or in the car. By the time I get here and have my break, those ideas have been replaced by things like, "Why did his mom let him wear snowboots on the first day of spring?" or "Did he take his medicine today?" I wore high heels today. It's strange. That never happens...literally...never. It's not my style. Today I tried it. I got out to my car, drove to school, walked up the stairs and changed my shoes. I can't wear high heels and chase kids. I can't play ball in them and they really just make me taller which makes bending down to help them even harder. Really, they made me feel fake. I know it's good to make yourself grow, to do things out of your element. Wear heels just isn't my thing. I thought to myself, "I'd much rather look like a slob and a slacker than pretend to be someone I'm not" so I took them off without any remorse. Maybe I set myself up for failure by bringing other shoes. Maybe having a backup plan is my way of trusting myself, leaning on my own devices. Or is not having a backup plan foolish? I'm not sure which. I can see both sides. I am who I am. I don't wear heels. I buy thrift store clothes without shame. I don't feel the need to have attention. But I am determined. I am driven...by something...by many things actually. I don't need to wear heels to be amazing. I don't need to have pretty hair to feel great. It's all about exuding confidence and I can do that better when I feel normal. I just wonder about my backup plan. Does it really hurt me more than it helps? Am I the person that plans life? That has a schedule? Maybe not a literal schedule but a mental one. Graduate by 21, married by 25 kids by 30, house by 35, retirement sooner than everyone else. I hope not. I don't want that for my life. So this is parent-teacher conference week. We get out early on friday. I want to do something amazing. Roomate is gone for the weekend. I want to go somewhere. With or without someone. I don't want to have a schedule and if I have one I hope it flies out the window on my way to wherever.

Do or Die

Everyone has to have goals...dreams...things that they will do or die trying. I have some. And it's not about a time table. I don't have to get these done within a year or two years. These are my life goals. These are the things I hope to achieve...more than having a great job or finding an amazing husband. These are my goals. I will do these things...or die trying.
1) I want to write a book. I don't know why. I don't know what I would write about. What could I share with the world that hasn't already been said or shared? How would my book be different from every other book out there? I don't know. I just want to write a book. It doesn't necessarily have to be published or be endorsed by Oprah. It doesn't have to be a best seller. As a matter of fact, I might just write a book and have it bound. One book. Maybe two. Bound. On my shelf. I could read it. Actually I'd probably have it memorized. But I want to write one. Maybe someday I'll have an adventure. I could write about that. Or maybe I could write about my normal life. I don't know. It doesn't matter really. I don't want to be a professional writer. It's not exactly feasible but most dreams aren't...or they don't seem to be at the time. So I'm writing a book about something...or anything. And it will say, "By Joy Motsinger" which will be the best part.
2) I'm going to Vermont...sometime. I've always wanted to go...for no reason really. I don't know anyone in Vermont. It's just my thing I think.
3) I'm going to see a sunrise and a sunset in the desert. I don't know what desert but it doesn't really matter. I picture it being one of the most beautiful things ever.
4) I'm going to go backpacking across Europe. To see a country, to spend time just looking at the world and enjoying life. I'm going to do it. It'll cost...but all things cost. It's strange because you can always get money...or usually you can. You can never get time...not once it's gone. I can have money when I get older. I won't always be able to go to Europe.
5) I want to love my job...to have a job I love. To enjoy going to work everyday. Right now, at this point in my life, that isn't necessarily the case. I have a job just to have a job. I like it but when I get older I want to promise myself that I will do a job I love. I have time to achieve this goal. It may take years but that's okay because it's a life goal.
6) I want to be debt free...no payments, no loans, no ties. I want to be free of the burden of debt and making payments. I understand there are times when those things are necessary. I have to make payments on my car. But, eventually, I want to be free of payments, free of debt, free of owing anyone anything.

blue jeans and eyeshadow

today is a weird day. a day when i refuse to use capitalization or correct punctuation. my heart is beating fast...it has been all day. it feels like i just ran a marathon or jogged three miles. ridiculous...at least for me. maybe it's the march madness season. it's all in my head and makes me excited. or maybe it's just the feeling of friday. maybe it's because i'm wearing jeans today and supporting my favorite tourney team. i don't know what it is but i feel like i could take on the world...and win. i feel like i could apply for any job and be hired on the spot. i feel confident in my abilities...to teach, to function in the world, to be myself. i think i feel pretty today...in my jeans and t-shirt. this is where i feel at home. i guess i forgot what that was like. today isn't perfect. a kid forgot his meds. another kid wore snow boots to school today...in the 70 degree weather. one kid has asthema and his treatments have been throwing him off big time. it's not a perfect day but i feel like i can deal with it. it's amazing that when i start my day the right way, by taking time, or by making time, or by realizing the importance of time, it goes better. maybe it's not that it goes better but it's just that my attitude is better. that's probably more realistic.

i was reading my blogs from last year at this time. i giggled to myself because i was facing the same problems, worrying about the same things 365 days ago. i guess for 15 seconds i thought i had grown a little. it's a reality check. amazing, really, that life is like the same set of problems over and over again...and despite how many times i'm facing the same problem, i still worry and fret and get all concerned. it's always worked out in the past. i'm silly like that. but right now i don't care. it's 1:00 on a friday. i'm going home soon. i'm wearing blue jeans and eyeshadow. i don't care about much else.

My insecurities should be something I left with the J.V.

I woke up in a totally crap mood today. Somewhere between feeling sorry for myself and being pissed off at the world. I'm not sure why. It's possible I had a weird dream and it messed me up. It's hard to snap out of this though. When someone else is feeling like this, all pity party, I want to shake them and make them realize they are amazing. But now, when I'm feeling like this, I can't shake it. I just, I feel so insecure today, not good enough, second-class. I don't like that feeling and it's strange that I feel this way. I'm confident. I'm secure. I know I'm good at things. But today I can't stop feeling like I'm not good at anything.
I stood down, waiting for my kids, wondering if I really want to be a teacher. Today was a bad start to a day. I don't want these starts. Do I really want to do this forever? Is this really the best choice for me? Is this really my destiny? I'd like to work in nature, to have some job where I work outside, mowing lawns and working hard. So why am I in this profession? I have this friend...a business major in school...and I don't think he has ever had, or ever will have, a normal, regular job. He doesn't work 8-3 or 9-5. He goes to school. He works with kids. He is a server at a restaurant. None of those things are bad. I'm jealous actually. I'm jealous that he can have those jobs. I'm jealous that he doesn't have to grow up and worry about retirement right now.
I have yet to get a single call back about any job anywhere. Interviews start next week. I don't have an interview...any interviews. I hate this feeling. I know that things will work out. I know the only reason I don't have any offers is because those jobs aren't right for me. I'm almost fortunate not to have any offers to confuse me or make me thing I need something that would be terrible for me to have. I am lucky. And I am a good teacher. I am good at the things I do. I may not be beautiful and I may not wear high heeled shoes but I can teach and I can relate and I can make education a good thing. Any school wouldn't be lucky to have me. So why don't I feel like that is the case?

Conforming??

So...I got tired of being lazy and I started the job search again. I've been really discouraged lately because no one wants me but I guess it's all for the best or something. I need to do all these things. I have these moments where I totally freak out and I realize all that I need to get done. I need to find a job for the summer. I need to find a house, temporary, hopefully. I need to find a real job. I start to freak out when I think about these things. It's hard to enjoy life and enjoy one's days with all this stuff hanging overhead. I'm dealing though.
I'm very tired today. It's like I've been in a play, putting on a show all week and I'm finally tired. So tired that I can hardly remember my lines...or maybe I just feel I have no incentive to remember my lines. How is it that I can be myself and still be a teacher? When you think of a teacher, you see a certain type of person...and not exactly the person I am. I wear jeans and listen to loud music. I like to play outside and climb trees. I say things I don't mean and I use sarcasm constantly. I don't like to suck up to people. I don't like to be on time. So how can I be a teacher and still be myself? How can I be in this profession that is built to make me change everything about the way I look and talk and act? Surely I will lose myself? Surely I'll end up conforming? I wish I wouldn't. I wish I could wear jeans to school. I wish I could show my kids how to do cool things. I can't. Because I'm a teacher...an educator. We're not suppose to have fun.

The Monumental 100

Wow...100 posts. That's like a book almost. I think blogging, this blog, has been my longest running commitment. I don't do anything 100 times, not anything that I like doing. I do unhealthy things 100 times...like I eat chips 100 times and waste 100 hours watching tv. 100 blogs. That's a monument.

Speaking of monument, I'm trying to figure out something amazing to do this weekend. I feel like I need to do something with my youth, go somewhere, make something in my life count. I'm doing this new thing called Carpe Diem. Or at least I'm trying to do it. The only thing I can find to do is drive to this random town and look at these giant gas pumps. I realize it sounds totally ridiculous...and that's because it is. Who does something like that? Me...I do things like that. Everyone is busy doing stuff like hanging out with family or shopping. Neither sound that appetizing. So I think I might go see the giant gas pumps. It's only gas. Besides I think I need some time to drive and think. I think Mexico isn't working out. I'm getting very discouraged. It sounded so great...sounded so God-given and so helpful. I think I made it sound like all those things though. I have a tendency to do things like that. Instead of just giving stuff to God, I give things to Him with a list of stipulations telling Him the due dates and exactly how it should work out. If I were God, and clearly I'm not, I would get angry if someone did that to me. I think he wants to sit me in the corner sometimes. When the kids in class are bad, a way to help curve their behavior is to take them away from the other kids. Then they have no one to perform for, no one to act crazy for. They just sit there. I wonder if God does that to me. I think He sometimes makes me not want to be around people or makes me feel awkward around them because I'm having a behavior issue. So I just sit, in silence, thinking about my actions and trying not to make the situation worse by looking at Him or saying anything except, "Um...sorry." My kids do that. Sometimes it makes my heart melt and all my frustration falls to the side. Other times, on bad days, I shrug it off, assuming they are just trying to get on my good side. I'm glad God isn't like that. So maybe I'll go see the giant gas pumps or maybe I'll go look at the hair museum. You never know. I can do what I want. That's the greatest thing about youth.

Cities

It's strange how a new cd or some good music can totally change my mood or make my day better. I just got this amazing cd...it was even better than I imagined. I don't know what about it makes it so good. I'm listening to it here at school. I've honestly considered skipping lunch in the lounge so I could listen to it. The kids aren't around so it's not like I'm forcing them to listen to my music. Besides I have to listen to their music all day. I go home at night singing alphabet songs and songs about green speckled frogs. Ridiculous. I would highly recommend this cd to...anyone really. It makes me want to watch a sunset while drinking coffee or maybe go on a roadtrip somewhere with Anberlin as the theme music. I guess I'm getting tired of dumb music...about dumb love and how parents suck. Not completely tired of it but tired enough to love something meaningful and different.
Anberlin...Cities. You should buy it. You should love it. You should make it the soundtrack for your life. I don't think you'll regret it.
I am the patron saint of lost causes.

No ice skating in Mexico

Last time I talked to him, I asked him about ice skating. I didn't reveal to him the secret code I use or the true meaning of ice skating, I actually just asked him if he has been ice skating lately. I don't know why. I thought it was funny...like an inside joke that is apparently only inside me. He hasn't been, or so he claims. I believe him. Why would he lie about ice skating? We use to talk alot. Now not so much. It makes me sad because I'd like to talk to him about Mexico. I guess I just consider him wise and insightful. Maybe I just want his opinion. Maybe I just want him to think that I'm moving on. Maybe I just like to hear myself talk. I sent him a message and he sent a short reply. Not that I expected more. I mean, he ice skates these days and all. I don't know what I expected. Nothing, I guess. Or something and that's why I feel slightly shafted. Eh, it's all very dumb, to be quite honest. It's me being dumb. I met a girl who has been dating a guy for 3 years, long distance. She's here, he's in Arizona. They see each other once a month when one flies to see the other. Crap. That's alot of money. For a moment, when she was telling me this, I was slightly jealous. I wondered why we didn't at least try. That moment passed quickly when she talked about their strained relationship. It's all for the best and I realize that. Still, I'd like to know what he thinks. He'd never ask me to stay. He ice skates and I'm sure that keeps me absent from his mind. I guess I just hope that he could give me some guidance, tell me something I need to hear. Tell me anything.

Maybe...Mexico?

This is seriously starting to irritate me. I type these great blogs and then something screws up and they don't post. It's making me crazy.
There's this thing...this Mexico thing. If my lovely message would have posted yesterday, the world would be familiar with the "thing" of which I speak. I'm almost afraid to type more, for fear that it'll freak out and not post anyway. I guess this is more for me than for any other reason anyway so whatev. This Mexico thing. I could maybe go there and live and work as a teacher and experience life in a way I never have before. I won't be getting paid, at least not in terms of money. Apparently Mexico has issues with paying a non-citizen. I could go there, to Monterrey, and teach in a school and live for a year. It would be very different and very frightening but also very exciting. It makes my heart beat fast and my stomach churn at the exact same time. My parents think I should go for it, if the opportunity is made available. I just want to do the right thing, the best thing, make a good decision, make a decision that God totally supports, as cheesy and overused as that expression has become. I'm using it in its truest sense though, at least I think I am. I e-mailed the principal of the school yesterday and since I can't check my e-mail here, while at school, I'll have to wait until later to see if she responded.

In my book, the book I'm currently reading, there is this part. "Life is a dance toward God... And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced way, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. It is a difficult dance to learn, because its steps are foreign." That made me think. I don't know. Maybe because I'm in a thinking state these days, a wondering state, a completely confused state. My steps are so practiced and so regular and so definate in my mind. God's steps are so different and I guess I just don't know what step is coming next. I try to figure it out, which turns out creating more of a mess. And so goes the dance. God is trying to teach me, I think, to just listen to the music and move with the beat instead of trying to predict every movement. This is a hard dance.

I'm reading this book...a really great book...about leaving and growing up. It's like my life except it was written by this guy that grew up in Texas. THAT is not me. It's great though and it feeds my need to leave, to do something amazing, to just do something or anything. He says all these things that make sense to me. It's not that I've never thought these things...it's just that I've never read them and I guess I thought I was the only one who thought these things. "I've heard it said that there are two types of men in this world--one is looking for a woman to make his life complete the other is looking for a woman to join his complete life." I've never really thought about that and I guess I can't really put my finger on which one is better. Strange. That made me things and try to figure out what qualities or things represent each.

State Bimbos, Institution Idiots

I need to say a few things about the incompetent state in which I reside and the terrible institution I am forced to call my Alma Mater. I've been waiting, since December 16th, for my teaching certification...and not only have I been waiting for 3 months but apparently I'll be waiting for "at least four more weeks," according to the state certification bimbos. I call them bimbos because I think that's what they are. I would be wrong, however, to place all the blame on them. It's my Institution too, as ignorant and complacent as it happens to be. Apparently my paperwork wasn't sent into the state until February. Why? That happens to be my question. My paperwork was done and in the office. I guess they just couldn't bare to part with it. So because of this chaos, it will be harder for me get a job. When I apply, schools want to see a copy of my certificate, which I don't exactly have. They want proof...and that seems to complete evade me. So, screw them. Screw them all for screwing me over. I'll be so happy to have my certification in my hands so I can go to the Institution and moon them all. I will place my happy rear on their terrible glass windows and show the world how big my butt is because they have screwed me over so many times. I don't want to claim them as my alma mater. I don't want to be an alumni. I don't want to set foot on the campus, except to use their free internet and get their free newspapers. I really detest them. And I'm pissed off because even when I'm not directly influenced by them, they seem to influence and impose upon everything I do. Screw them. Screw the state. Screw the bimbos.